TGIF

What a LONG week, it was enlightening and rewarding - it was our "audit week" the one week of the year that can  completely make or break my career. In glad to say it went well - very well I think! I'm glad this week I was able to focus more than I have in a long time - I finally feel that sense of completion - it felt so good to finally feel that ahhhhh at work that I've been striving for, for so long! I was actually able to leave work on time, so I to treated myself to a long overdue mani-pedi AND haircut! 

Funny tomorrow will be 7 DAYS, crazy how thing just change in just 7days!!

Time for sleep and I'm giving into it💤💤💤 Good Night! 

Weak Wednesday..I'm soooooo tired.

I'm exhausted!!  that's it!

Well not really, but I have not smoked since Saturday....at this point, I have a little itch not to feel this freaking tired...but I am going to push though this anyway, because remember I have this little thing I'd like to call commitment.  I'd like to feel like I'm good at something. Well, I do know that I'm pretty darn good at lots of things, but I by no means am PERFECT, I make a tons of mistakes and my laziness often wins the best of me.  My brain is constantly thinking of all the things I should be doing, that within itself is quite overwhelming most days, I feel so consumed by these thoughts.  Crazy how the mind works...talk about crazy, so the people that really know me, may ask if I am a bit CRAZY, I may walk this fine line in life AND the crazier part is that at work, I seem to be the glue that is constantly putting together all of the CRAZY around me.  Now I have personally been to counseling and psychotherapy at different points in my life and have never been diagnosed with ANYTHING, I have had CRAZY behavior that's for sure, TEMPERS, yes that me, well maybe that's just the Puerto Rican in me???  Who knows?  In any case, I work closely with and manage those that have been diagnosed with their own issues of some sort.  Being put in this position at this point in my life made me think, why did God put ME in this situation?? seriously GOD??  I mean I trust you and have the utmost faith, but really lets think about this, its like the crazy leading the crazy??!?  sounds crazy right?  Please understand that I use the crazy term loosely, I hope you understand my sentiment.

Its been some time that we have been working together, and there have been moments of slam doors, irrational childish behavior, and we did endure a few "I'm just going to ignore you today and not communicate".  Lately we have been able to bring down the walls and communicate with each other so we understand what's really going on.  It has been a long road for us but I'm glad that we are where we are now, we've been able to make progress together and have some real heartfelt talks and moments, sometimes we don't have to say anything at all, we're learning each others looks...no words necessary, we understand each other and I am usually able to diffuse whatever it is that's going on that's not jiving, suddenly I'm the calm in all this.  I find myself in strange territory, yet I'm fairly comfortable with this situation, I feel that I am the only one that can understand these amazing gifted souls and somehow steer them in the right direction or at least I was meant to be here in the midst of their journey.  Something about it just feels right.

You just never know sometimes why you are walking this path, I guess Steve Jobs said it well  "you can't connect the dots looking ahead", but you can looking back and it is then that you begin to understand the role that you play.  God works in amazing ways....whatever it is keep the faith, eventually you'll be able to connect the dots! 

Tuesday Thinking

As soon as I got home from work today, I grabbed a few extremely short moments with the kids and grabbed a beer and sat down to THINK.  Now lucky me is able to do this b/c my husband said he'll wash the dishes, not to mention that he grabbed dinner and the kids too.  Yeah he can be really awesome sometimes this I know.  I thought well, I'll be my own therapist for now, I could sit here for hours and ponder the WHY?!?!??? 
WHY??  WHY am I SO cranky?  Well, I didn't get enough sleep? hmmm maybe because I didn't go to sleep earlier? and why? because I didn't want to go to sleep? and why? I don't know, because I'm not making wise decisions? why? because I'm reckless? and why?   its just sleep?  jeez it affects SO much, I could keep going.  BUT thankfully this little voice that just hopped out of bed said " Hey mama how was your day?" They always find a way to break my thinking.  She then proceeds to tell me all of the colors she's wearing.  Thank God for these little people in my life, I've been blessed, this I know.  So in the interest that bad habits need to break somehow, I think I need to just go to sleep now and I just promised this little person they could come sleep with me.  Good Night!! 

Manic MONDAYS

Today is what I call my "Thank GOD for MONDAYS" without them to keep me on track, I'm sure I would have completely fallen apart a LONG time ago.  But I promised myself something years ago, no matter WHAT I engaged in, I would NOT under any circumstances let it interfere with my CAREER.  I've worked dang hard for where I am now, and I while I can completely see how much I can improve, I refuse to discount that fact that I have ALWAYS showed up to work, no matter what.  Now, this may mean that I showed up late and shamefully, there were times that I fell asleep at the wheel because I had been up for days, BUT when I did arrive, I was sure to focus and work my ass off as if to somehow compensate for my short-comings,  I must say it has paid off, I know that there are GOOD things in my life and it is not a complete wreck, I also know that I have SO many more aspirations and goals for myself and I know in my heart that I am capable to SO much more.  I want infinity to the end, I want the life that I was destined to have and it's more and more clear to me what is holding me back.  Now I may sound like some power-hungry girl, but if I am right now, is there really anything wrong with that?? I'm going with NO, it's a part of what's bringing me here so really in that grand master plan of it all, NOT so bad.  I will say there is a whole LOT more to my decision and hopefully commitment and dedication to no longer engage in these acts that I must grow out of.  It's simply time for me to GROW UP.   

777 days of ME

777 days of me...wow that is a LOT to commit to, but COMMITMENT is where I want to start.  I by no means am a writer, I'm that girl whose emails, text messages, and facebook post read as rude, mean, and impolite - meanwhile my reaction was "that's NOT what I meant".  The messages I wanted to convey were never clearly there, they were simple shortened modifications of what was really going on and did not contain full disclosure.  I'm hoping I can learn to clearly communicate my thoughts here as a safe haven with as MUCH disclosure as possible and discuss the matters and issues I need to get off my chest.  I'm hoping that along the way that I can be ME as I see myself, the cute quirky smart funny sassy sincere honest person that I know in ME.  Yes, its all a about ME, that's what I've read because if it doesn't start here with ME then I would have nothing to share or nothing to give, so my journey today starts with ME.

I'm not ready to give you the complete disclosure of ME, but I will say that today I struggle with codependency, as does my husband.  I've been praying and thinking how my life needs change how we both need to break free of this path.  I've been waiting for him to jump on board for some time now, which I really need to face may not ever happen, but I will PRAY EVERYDAY, I know that God is GOOD and he does answer prayers and so I will not loose faith, but the time has come for me to make my own choices and move forward with ME and so 777 of ME is created.  This is MY path to HEALING ME for ALL of US.