I need to just keep writing right now, I need to shake this off...are you with ME???
I knew you would be, I need to find the POSITIVE ME, I know that positive ME exists, I know I'm here. I'm slowly coming back, and it feels good!! Just GUZZLED down two glasses of water, probably more water than I've had the past two days, gives me that ocean in my tummy feeling, I could probably move my tummy back and forth and hear it, LOL makes me feel like a kid again. That kid in us is always there, so innocent.
After writing my last post as I was once again washing the dishes, reflecting on the week I had at work, after that week, I should be proud of myself, I felt like I moved mountains, it was such an exhausting journey, and with a few bad comments, the glory of my accomplishments just diminished - just like that, right into the dust. Why do we let others HOLD this POWER over US?? I'm stalling here, you know that's not what's really whats bothering me. Work is work, we will always be evaluated and judged, its part of the working process, we really do need the evaluation part to help us GROW, to help us fine tune ourselves, I am OK with that, I am able to accept that. What I'm having a heard time accepting is that, I have poured my heart out, and I did not get the results I thought I'd see, I must be foolish, yes I am. So they say that if you do not put your heart out there naked, unveiled, nothing to hide, then you will never gain anything, you will never receive that true love that everyone seeks. Well I feel like I have been trying, I've pretty much put it out there to the "WORLD" so to speak, unveiling myself, because well the "WORLD" is the only one that will listen, no one may "HEAR" me, but I needed to try somehow. I've only been truthful here and once again all its done is HURT me AGAIN, and here I am I have NOT learned my lesson, because I am still HEARTBROKEN and CRUSHED, still waiting to BE SAVED. I fear this will never end, I have not been able to find my acceptance in all this, I have NOT accepted this yet, I think I NEED to find my PEACE with this one, I surely HOPE that I find my PEACE real soon. This one is just tearing everyone apart. Well, I'm not sure what I have accomplished here, but at least it's OFF my chest and I do feel a little bit better, just in time to bounce back to being me and taking on the WEEK!
I am going to smile, because I need to.
So SMILE :-)
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Where do I GO?
I'm stuck, stuck in a rut, stuck in the HOLE. How do I deal? Where do I go from here?
Last week was a ride of evaluations, I had taken my own pretty good I thought, it was constructive and I could see where I needed to improve.
Then I came to face ALL of my FAILURES, I'm failing at EVERYTHING (not really but it feels that way)! Why even bother anymore (because life is about lessons, you pick yourself up and try again)? I give up, I'm done, there's just no point anymore (there's a reason I exist whether I know it or not). I've poured my heart out and guess what FAIL - EPIC FAIL(OK this one just drives me crazy- I must be glutton for punishment-I need to face that this ONE is HOPELESS)!!!!! As I'm writing I continue to fail (I'm never going to change really this is who I am and how I'm comfortable expressing myself), where do I go?? Feeling broken, NUMB,shattered, JUST WAITING FOR LIFE TO BRING ME BACK, it usually does. At least at one point while I was writing this post I cracked a smile - there's hope for ME yet.
I hate these imbalanced days they take away so much from my life, they rob all of us. Someday forgiveness will find its way in our lives, maybe.
Last week was a ride of evaluations, I had taken my own pretty good I thought, it was constructive and I could see where I needed to improve.
Then I came to face ALL of my FAILURES, I'm failing at EVERYTHING (not really but it feels that way)! Why even bother anymore (because life is about lessons, you pick yourself up and try again)? I give up, I'm done, there's just no point anymore (there's a reason I exist whether I know it or not). I've poured my heart out and guess what FAIL - EPIC FAIL(OK this one just drives me crazy- I must be glutton for punishment-I need to face that this ONE is HOPELESS)!!!!! As I'm writing I continue to fail (I'm never going to change really this is who I am and how I'm comfortable expressing myself), where do I go?? Feeling broken, NUMB,shattered, JUST WAITING FOR LIFE TO BRING ME BACK, it usually does. At least at one point while I was writing this post I cracked a smile - there's hope for ME yet.
I hate these imbalanced days they take away so much from my life, they rob all of us. Someday forgiveness will find its way in our lives, maybe.
Monday, September 23, 2013
The Late Bloomers, Sometimes we NEED to FALL
I've always considered myself a late bloomer, I feel like its always taken me a little bit LONGER than most to PROCESS certain things in life. Now, don't get wrong, I can understand completely, instantaneously almost, but my PROCESS of what is REALLY going down, may lag, just a bit, coming to terms with the GRAVITY of it ALL. By no means am I complaining about this, I appreciate this part of ME. I thought at some point, this part of me would leave ME behind the rest, somewhere in the dust, just a straggler. Here's how I SEE it, its all about my EXPERIENCE and how that experience has CHANGED me, and helped me GROW, no one else will EVER know what that feels like, unless they LIVE through it.
I've been through struggles, most struggles that I put myself in, and I would NOT change those struggles, EACH one has played a role of WHO I am TODAY, I kinda like that TOO. Here's the tricky part, I have been given the OPPORTUNITY to FIND myself, to COME on MY OWN TERMS. I have hit my ROCK BOTTOM, unfortunately more than ONCE. I have been JOBLESS, HOMELESS and HUNGRY, I have BINGED for days on things I don't care to speak of anymore, I remember not eating for days and my clothes falling off me, I was finally skinny but not HEALTHY, I have been scared for being at the WRONG place thinking what the HELL am I doing HERE? I have BEATEN and LOST! These words may sound worse than they actually were, I just read my last sentence five times and each one is true, but I lived through it, it did not destroy ME. Through each of those times, I FOUND my way out, I FOUND my way back HOME, even if it meant swallowing every once I pride I ever HAD, because I wanted MORE for MYSELF. I know those must have been some of the DARKEST days for my parents and I am LUCKY to have their unconditional love and support, they were waiting for me, when I was ready to return. NO JUDGEMENT or explanation necessary, just the care and nurturing I needed at that time. There are some out there that DO NOT have the opportunity they NEED in life in order to move forward and GROW. In some cultures, parents or guardians, have SO much CONTROL over their children, they NEVER let them FALL, they are constantly SAVING them and do NOT give them any alternative, they never let them FIND their way out of their own BLACK HOLE. I certainly do know there is FINE LINE in that, I have seen firsthand what SELF-DESTRUCTION looks like, its not pretty, its scary and heartbreaking, I have seen many lives LOST to self-destruction and YES we should do ANYTHING we can to HELP, but sometimes you need to LET GO. Us late bloomers, need to COME to IT on OUR own, ALL we can do is HAVE FAITH that we have RAISED our children talking to them as MUCH as possible. Most people would be floored by the realities I let my nine year old know, but I know in my heart, that my experiences can help me enlighten each one of my kids, so they WANT MORE for THEMSELVES, I PRAY that they LEARN from my mistakes, I tell the brutal TRUTH and HOPE one day my WORDS will be RINGING in their ears, they NEED to know what the CONSEQUENCES are, what could be, and IF they are STUBBORN, maybe they NEED to FALL, and that is OK, because when they do FINALLY fall, YOU can BE there to CATCH them, to be their SAVIOR when they are READY to GIVE IN.
One last thought, I looked up the definition of STUBBORN, did you know that its actually means the REJECTION of CHANGE, the REJECTION of GROWTH, the REJECTION of LIFE!! Simple, that says it ALL right there, because LIFE is about CHANGE every SECOND.
I've been through struggles, most struggles that I put myself in, and I would NOT change those struggles, EACH one has played a role of WHO I am TODAY, I kinda like that TOO. Here's the tricky part, I have been given the OPPORTUNITY to FIND myself, to COME on MY OWN TERMS. I have hit my ROCK BOTTOM, unfortunately more than ONCE. I have been JOBLESS, HOMELESS and HUNGRY, I have BINGED for days on things I don't care to speak of anymore, I remember not eating for days and my clothes falling off me, I was finally skinny but not HEALTHY, I have been scared for being at the WRONG place thinking what the HELL am I doing HERE? I have BEATEN and LOST! These words may sound worse than they actually were, I just read my last sentence five times and each one is true, but I lived through it, it did not destroy ME. Through each of those times, I FOUND my way out, I FOUND my way back HOME, even if it meant swallowing every once I pride I ever HAD, because I wanted MORE for MYSELF. I know those must have been some of the DARKEST days for my parents and I am LUCKY to have their unconditional love and support, they were waiting for me, when I was ready to return. NO JUDGEMENT or explanation necessary, just the care and nurturing I needed at that time. There are some out there that DO NOT have the opportunity they NEED in life in order to move forward and GROW. In some cultures, parents or guardians, have SO much CONTROL over their children, they NEVER let them FALL, they are constantly SAVING them and do NOT give them any alternative, they never let them FIND their way out of their own BLACK HOLE. I certainly do know there is FINE LINE in that, I have seen firsthand what SELF-DESTRUCTION looks like, its not pretty, its scary and heartbreaking, I have seen many lives LOST to self-destruction and YES we should do ANYTHING we can to HELP, but sometimes you need to LET GO. Us late bloomers, need to COME to IT on OUR own, ALL we can do is HAVE FAITH that we have RAISED our children talking to them as MUCH as possible. Most people would be floored by the realities I let my nine year old know, but I know in my heart, that my experiences can help me enlighten each one of my kids, so they WANT MORE for THEMSELVES, I PRAY that they LEARN from my mistakes, I tell the brutal TRUTH and HOPE one day my WORDS will be RINGING in their ears, they NEED to know what the CONSEQUENCES are, what could be, and IF they are STUBBORN, maybe they NEED to FALL, and that is OK, because when they do FINALLY fall, YOU can BE there to CATCH them, to be their SAVIOR when they are READY to GIVE IN.
One last thought, I looked up the definition of STUBBORN, did you know that its actually means the REJECTION of CHANGE, the REJECTION of GROWTH, the REJECTION of LIFE!! Simple, that says it ALL right there, because LIFE is about CHANGE every SECOND.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Oh Silly ME
My Life ALWAYS has a crazy story! I'm totally exhausted right now but I thought I'd give you a lil ME to get you through the week.
Yesterday, I walked into work on a Monday morning greeted by my staff with flowers, birthday decor all over my office and all kinds of great food they brought in to celebrate ME for my 37th birthday. It was awesome! I love my office family, it's been a long road for us as well (and will continue to be) but I'm so glad they have accepted me as their "boss" so to speak, for some more difficult than others as I consider myself amongst some of the younger management staff and am younger than half the staff I oversee. I could not have had a better day, they were showing me how much they do appreciate my presence there, my boss even referred to me as the "office guidance counselor". Imagine that crazy lil ME!?!? Well I had intended to go into the office early the next day to get started on a few projects to show how much I appreciate them, instead very SILLY lil me was not thinking through the meds I took last night! You see my back went out and I have been barely able to walk these past few days, along with the double ear infections I have. I did not think twice before I downed the entire muscle relaxer (there must have been a reason they only prescribed me five pills) along with my amoxicillin and Benadryl - I didn't even think about how these downers would effect me! Now, my circle of friends that know me well do you know that I have tried quite a few things myself, BUT these prescription narcotics were strange to me, I've always played around with uppers NOT downers. This made me think of the word "ADDICTION", this notion is going to be tricky for me to tackle and I will eventually disclose what I think on that matter, I just don't know if I'm ready to tackle my thoughts on that one head-on. For now I will once again try to stay on point (on a side note that A-D-D thing drives me CRAZY - my mind just shift so easily). This downer was still in my system the morning AFTER, hours AFTER, when I was faced with having to go to work. I awoke to screaming babies and craziness in the morning and it's like I wasn't really there it was surreal this really must be what feeling disassociated really feels like, kind of an out of body experience. Somehow I managed to get my own clothes on, my husband pretty much got the kids out the door somehow and I DROVE to work. Oh what was I THINKING! As I was driving I knew something was not right, I kept looking around me for cop or something, thinking they can stop me because I am in NO position to be driving right now. As soon as I got to work, I parked my car and I thought I felt so WASTED right now, so I gave into it and closed my eyes, unbeknownest to me, I closed my eyes for FIVE HOURS!!! Had I really just knocked out without telling anybody I was there?!?!? OMG!! I woke up to someone knocking on my window, car still on of course, how embarrassing! I didn't know what to say or think! How could anyone enjoy this feeling?? I don't like this! I was still foggy, my ears still feeling so much pressure and pain, my back still hurting. This was so NOT worth all of this drama?!? After checking my phone, and looking at all the text messages and missed phones calls, I finally found the courage to walk into the office, at the END of the day. I went to talk to my boss, I explained what had happened as she already knew that I was having issues. It was like being in the principals office, she had called my husband looking for me, she said she thought I was in a ditch somewhere and was worried sick! I was only gone for five hours. I guess I'm so lucky that so MANY people CARE about ME, I am just shaking my head at myself on this one, don't BE so SILLY! I still can't believe I let that happen, missing work over some narcotics, is SOOOOO NOT ME!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Fight or Flight
I suppose it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that is exactly how I've reacted to unpleasant altercations with my husband. Once upon a time these altercations were physical and we are both responsible for those actions and I think we have learned that violence is never the answer. Until this very moment, I didn't realize that possibly my body and psyche have still been preparing for danger and I feel like I have no out, I cannot fight, we've seen what that does and nobody ever wins, I cannot leave, I've been accused of jumping ship too many times, so what am I left with?? I freeze, it is then that I begin to give up and turn on myself. I'm just so tired of being blamed and feeling guilty. I've reached my end, I simply cannot keep going in circles.
I do love my husband but I cannot take being blamed for having an emotion, I am who I am - my emotions are very much a part of me - I thought that if I am now completely honest with myself then I will find peace - I do not have the patience unfortunately :( oh how I wish he would just say babe it's ok - Im Sorry - thats not what i meant- why won't he just give into me ONCE - even if it is whatever it is - every time I try to explain myself - why won't he just give in to me and let me have whatever emotion I'm having and move on - WHY can't he see I NEED this from him. Have I not given into him LORD? I'm trying I really am. I'm sorry I know I should not question it, just accept it. As my father would say, I married him till death due us part, I believed in my vows so this is beyond difficult for me to just walk away.
Oh faith where are you? You never fail me, I know I should think before I write - and maybe this is just one of those confused moments that I need to sleep off - there's no direction on this post - all I can do is try to let this GO.
My husband would say this post is precisely the reason he is so frustrated with me, this part of me that keeps going - why can't he just write it off as me being passionate and call it a day - I can be that simple too ya know!
Dear Lord, I do not have an answer, this one is in your hands. Thank you Lord for these wonderful children you have given me - I'm so proud to call them mine and thank you for amazing parents I have - I'd be beyond lost without them and sisters that I completely adore. I know my God is a Good God and I know that that my tunnel may be at one of its darkest points but I do know that the sun will be here very soon, i feel it in my bones, and it will be the sunniest ray that I have ever seen! It is with you Lord that I find peace :)
Saturday, September 14, 2013
REAL MEN
As I watched my husband replacing the light bulbs on the headlights of our mini van, it dawned on me that he was just being a man, plain and simple, engaging in an act that fulfilled that manly role. That got me thinking and once I realized this, it was like this realization had hit me like ton of bricks. His needs, he wants to feel like a MAN, he craves to be KING of his castle, why did I think that he did not NEED this? why did I NOT realize how important this must be to him?? How could I have been so blind to this simple thought? Well here I am begging and pleading to be treated and loved like a queen and meanwhile, I hadn't exactly given him that opportunity to be my KING.
Growing up I lived in a household with parents that were the epitome of those traditional "husband" and "wife" roles in my eyes. My father was MAN in every way, he served in two wars, he did whatever he had to do so he may provide for his family, even if that meant that he was barely home, he can FIX everything and anything in the house, CARS, he could probably build you one, he knows EVERYTHING. When we were living in Park Slope Brooklyn when I was ten, I remember looking out the window of our brownstone apartment for when he would get home so I could report back to my mom, it would take him at least an hour to come upstairs, for everyone on our block knew my dad; and once a neighbor grabbed him as he got home he would not hesitate to fix something for them or do whatever they needed, they all loved him, I just rolled my eyes thinking HELLO, you have your own family here!! Back then my father did not wash dishes, clean the house, cook, or do laundry as those duties belonged to my mother along with raising the children. My mother served him every day, she always made his plate and brought him water whenever he asked, she did not complain of this EVER, she always said if he takes care of the things that needed to be fixed around the house, I will gladly serve him and be his wife. This thought disgusted me for some reason, I don't even think my father changed any of our diapers, now that I think of it, I cannot confirm this, it is just what I always assumed. I certainly had my differences with my father, I did not agree with how my parents took on these roles, in our modern day society, weren't men suppose to take on more of these duties that belonged to the woman, weren't they suppose to play a bigger part raising the children? My little ignorant self has held him responsible for these notions, for what I thought I was missing, for not taking me fishing when I asked him to. I held him responsible for our lack of communication, if I needed to talk, I would talk to my mother, she was and IS always there for whatever nurturing I need. OH how wrong was I, I've been so WRONG about the men in my life, I have held anger in me for as long as I can remember that it has blinded all of the things I was given to me by the men in my life.
My dad is pretty great, not perfect, BUT, pretty darn awesome and amazing, he may not have given me what I had expected to receive from a father on my terms, but looking back he has given me more, and still continues to give, than any girl could ever hope for. I could even remember as far back as when I was about three or four laying on my dads chest as he laid on the floor, my little body going up and down as he would breath in and out, that was my favorite place to be, it was my mini roller coaster on his big belly. He has always given me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. He taught me all kinds of things, ride a bike, fix a tire when I was twelve, drive a car, paint, rip up a carpet, put down a carpet, put shingles up on a roof, change the oil, make sure I understood whatever it was that he was fixing along with a full detailed tour of whatever car I had. He bought me my first CAR. Throughout my life whenever I needed him to lift me from myself, he did, he never let me down, he would hold me until the uncontrollable crying stopped until he knew that I would be OK.
I've pretty much been on my own since I was nineteen, when I decided to leave New York. I know I'm a tough girl, I've had to be to survive all the tough times I've seen. I am sorry to my family that it has taken me so long to let GO. To my husband for not letting him be that MAN in my life, for I have been so busy thinking I didn't need it, I was wrong. Today I am 37 years old and I feel like I am just beginning to understand. Now, I know my path is meant for ME, had anything played out any differently, I would NOT have the three amazing children I have today, so for that I am eternally grateful and blessed.
Happy Birthday to ME!!
Growing up I lived in a household with parents that were the epitome of those traditional "husband" and "wife" roles in my eyes. My father was MAN in every way, he served in two wars, he did whatever he had to do so he may provide for his family, even if that meant that he was barely home, he can FIX everything and anything in the house, CARS, he could probably build you one, he knows EVERYTHING. When we were living in Park Slope Brooklyn when I was ten, I remember looking out the window of our brownstone apartment for when he would get home so I could report back to my mom, it would take him at least an hour to come upstairs, for everyone on our block knew my dad; and once a neighbor grabbed him as he got home he would not hesitate to fix something for them or do whatever they needed, they all loved him, I just rolled my eyes thinking HELLO, you have your own family here!! Back then my father did not wash dishes, clean the house, cook, or do laundry as those duties belonged to my mother along with raising the children. My mother served him every day, she always made his plate and brought him water whenever he asked, she did not complain of this EVER, she always said if he takes care of the things that needed to be fixed around the house, I will gladly serve him and be his wife. This thought disgusted me for some reason, I don't even think my father changed any of our diapers, now that I think of it, I cannot confirm this, it is just what I always assumed. I certainly had my differences with my father, I did not agree with how my parents took on these roles, in our modern day society, weren't men suppose to take on more of these duties that belonged to the woman, weren't they suppose to play a bigger part raising the children? My little ignorant self has held him responsible for these notions, for what I thought I was missing, for not taking me fishing when I asked him to. I held him responsible for our lack of communication, if I needed to talk, I would talk to my mother, she was and IS always there for whatever nurturing I need. OH how wrong was I, I've been so WRONG about the men in my life, I have held anger in me for as long as I can remember that it has blinded all of the things I was given to me by the men in my life.
My dad is pretty great, not perfect, BUT, pretty darn awesome and amazing, he may not have given me what I had expected to receive from a father on my terms, but looking back he has given me more, and still continues to give, than any girl could ever hope for. I could even remember as far back as when I was about three or four laying on my dads chest as he laid on the floor, my little body going up and down as he would breath in and out, that was my favorite place to be, it was my mini roller coaster on his big belly. He has always given me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. He taught me all kinds of things, ride a bike, fix a tire when I was twelve, drive a car, paint, rip up a carpet, put down a carpet, put shingles up on a roof, change the oil, make sure I understood whatever it was that he was fixing along with a full detailed tour of whatever car I had. He bought me my first CAR. Throughout my life whenever I needed him to lift me from myself, he did, he never let me down, he would hold me until the uncontrollable crying stopped until he knew that I would be OK.
I've pretty much been on my own since I was nineteen, when I decided to leave New York. I know I'm a tough girl, I've had to be to survive all the tough times I've seen. I am sorry to my family that it has taken me so long to let GO. To my husband for not letting him be that MAN in my life, for I have been so busy thinking I didn't need it, I was wrong. Today I am 37 years old and I feel like I am just beginning to understand. Now, I know my path is meant for ME, had anything played out any differently, I would NOT have the three amazing children I have today, so for that I am eternally grateful and blessed.
Happy Birthday to ME!!
Life's Roller Coaster Rides
When I was young, I loved ROLLER COASTERS, that feeling in your tummy from that initial drop, then the intense energy of the bumpy ride that left you with a a rush of being totally elated and revved up for more. I felt free and adventurous. Now as an adult, I crave stability, calm waters and peace. I am all too familiar with that PIT in my stomach, my feelings going up and down on this rocky road of life, the uncertainty no longer sits well with me, this roller coaster of life is just not what I had envisioned for myself, I thought by this time, I'd have it more together, NOT as lost as I have been. Maybe I've been lost this whole time and it is now that I'm ready to face it.
This week has been one fierce roller coaster ride indeed, as a family we've had some of the best peaceful days we've ever had. For the most part, we have all supported each other and did all that we had to do to get though our week. Clean, cook, laundry, take care of the two babies, help with homework and tried to be nice to each other. My oldest daughter (I'm so incredibly proud of this girl) even hugged me out of the blue and told me how much she loves me. I know she has been taking in every moment of this awesomeness, and I hope that her life if filled with happiness, she deserves it. She's only nine, yet she is beyond her years in maturity when it comes to matters of the heart. She says things to me that are so intelligent and right on point that her wit strikes me, I was not expecting her to be so insightful. She has been there for me like no one else ever could, I knew from the second she was born that I NEEDED her in my life, she was GOD's gift to me, and I am so incredibly grateful for her, she has saved me in so many ways. Her and I have had our moments, she's always been daddy's little girl and there were a few years after her toddler years that we didn't show much affection for each other, somehow we didn't know how, I didn't know how. I was too busy thinking she didn't love me, she probably wished she had a better mother, I wished I was a better mother for her, she deserves the best and I had been too hard on her. She has grown so much and she may not be the most graceful girl, but the way she has handled herself throughout everything that we put her through these past few years, well I admire her strength and courage. I'm so incredibly proud of this young girl, our relationship is getting better and better, I love that she talks to me, she tells me EVERYTHING, she is not afraid of the words people say to her when they have not been so nice, I pray that she continues to trust in me and will always tell me everything, we need each other, that's clear to me now.
This week has also brought some of my lowest moments of clarity in my marriage, I am coming to face the realities of our relationship, once I let go of the ANGER that I feel every time I am displeased by my life, I was able to focus and identify some of the real issues we face. I know I must have patience and I should take in all this goodness and just BE right?? I should let go of my HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I should just accept my partner for who he is, perhaps we are making baby steps we have really been through so much and eventually we will get there right?? I'm not so sure, my heart wants immediate results, I still LONG to be LOVED by my husband. I realized this week that I have been craving his attention. Now its not like we don't spend time together, we spend countless hours together. Why this isn't enough? Out attention is NOT on each other, we are too busy with other things, texting other people, barely talking to each other. I asked him if he read this blog, I was saddened when he said NO and that respects my personal space. I just wished he was interested in ME, I wish he asked me how I'm doing, I wished he would just ask me if I was OK, I know he's trying, I really do and if he didn't care he simply would not be doing everything he has been this week. Why is this not enough for me? I waiting for him to HOLD me EVERYDAY, I'm waiting for him to call me, talk to me, I'm waiting for him to WANT to be around ME, for now I will try my hardest to give this more time, but I'm not sure I can spend the rest of my life waiting for him. I fantasize about him, about us, the relationship I wish we had. Someday we will live the life we were destined to have, LOVING EACH OTHER, being there in the moment with each other, wanting more of each other, going to bed together at the same time. I remember when he worked nights and I waited for him to get home to go to sleep, I hated going to bed without him being home, I miss those simpler days. Perhaps someday we will learn to treat each other like the king and queen we deserve to be treated like, why should we settle for anything less.
I know I will find a time again to appreciate the roller coaster rides in life, who doesn't like adventure. Lately these roller coasters have been too frequent and unsteady for me, but I continue to have FAITH, for I know that once I find the way to let go, my dreams will come true, its all in ME.
This week has been one fierce roller coaster ride indeed, as a family we've had some of the best peaceful days we've ever had. For the most part, we have all supported each other and did all that we had to do to get though our week. Clean, cook, laundry, take care of the two babies, help with homework and tried to be nice to each other. My oldest daughter (I'm so incredibly proud of this girl) even hugged me out of the blue and told me how much she loves me. I know she has been taking in every moment of this awesomeness, and I hope that her life if filled with happiness, she deserves it. She's only nine, yet she is beyond her years in maturity when it comes to matters of the heart. She says things to me that are so intelligent and right on point that her wit strikes me, I was not expecting her to be so insightful. She has been there for me like no one else ever could, I knew from the second she was born that I NEEDED her in my life, she was GOD's gift to me, and I am so incredibly grateful for her, she has saved me in so many ways. Her and I have had our moments, she's always been daddy's little girl and there were a few years after her toddler years that we didn't show much affection for each other, somehow we didn't know how, I didn't know how. I was too busy thinking she didn't love me, she probably wished she had a better mother, I wished I was a better mother for her, she deserves the best and I had been too hard on her. She has grown so much and she may not be the most graceful girl, but the way she has handled herself throughout everything that we put her through these past few years, well I admire her strength and courage. I'm so incredibly proud of this young girl, our relationship is getting better and better, I love that she talks to me, she tells me EVERYTHING, she is not afraid of the words people say to her when they have not been so nice, I pray that she continues to trust in me and will always tell me everything, we need each other, that's clear to me now.
This week has also brought some of my lowest moments of clarity in my marriage, I am coming to face the realities of our relationship, once I let go of the ANGER that I feel every time I am displeased by my life, I was able to focus and identify some of the real issues we face. I know I must have patience and I should take in all this goodness and just BE right?? I should let go of my HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I should just accept my partner for who he is, perhaps we are making baby steps we have really been through so much and eventually we will get there right?? I'm not so sure, my heart wants immediate results, I still LONG to be LOVED by my husband. I realized this week that I have been craving his attention. Now its not like we don't spend time together, we spend countless hours together. Why this isn't enough? Out attention is NOT on each other, we are too busy with other things, texting other people, barely talking to each other. I asked him if he read this blog, I was saddened when he said NO and that respects my personal space. I just wished he was interested in ME, I wish he asked me how I'm doing, I wished he would just ask me if I was OK, I know he's trying, I really do and if he didn't care he simply would not be doing everything he has been this week. Why is this not enough for me? I waiting for him to HOLD me EVERYDAY, I'm waiting for him to call me, talk to me, I'm waiting for him to WANT to be around ME, for now I will try my hardest to give this more time, but I'm not sure I can spend the rest of my life waiting for him. I fantasize about him, about us, the relationship I wish we had. Someday we will live the life we were destined to have, LOVING EACH OTHER, being there in the moment with each other, wanting more of each other, going to bed together at the same time. I remember when he worked nights and I waited for him to get home to go to sleep, I hated going to bed without him being home, I miss those simpler days. Perhaps someday we will learn to treat each other like the king and queen we deserve to be treated like, why should we settle for anything less.
I know I will find a time again to appreciate the roller coaster rides in life, who doesn't like adventure. Lately these roller coasters have been too frequent and unsteady for me, but I continue to have FAITH, for I know that once I find the way to let go, my dreams will come true, its all in ME.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Sometimes all we NEED is a little water.
Lately, I feel that I have LEARNED so MUCH about MYSELF, I do hope the enlightenment will help US move ON and move FORWARD, I cannot HOLD on to the PAST, I MUST let things GO. Once I dipped into this practice (oh and I really need more practice on it - trust me) I felt relieved. On a side NOTE, I think I need to look into this meditation practice, its the calm I've been looking for once I understood a little more of this practice. I have so much more to learn and I am eager to. That thought just made me smile, gosh that feels good.
So a little of the communication that I longed for from my husband has suddenly begun to come along, That is moving in the right direction. I thought we needed counseling once upon a time, but what would we really accomplish there, BLAME?? We cannot blame each other any longer, it is the poison in our relationship, we have not been very nice to each other, we both had our armor up for so many years, so bringing it down has been challenging, we have been in survival mode for so long. It really is just that simple treat each other with respect, just give it don't expect it, CARE for each other, nurture each other, AGAIN, BE NICE, be PRESENT, and have FAITH in each other. Be mindful of these key ingredients.
Last Night, I know I was for sure dealing with those moments within myself that I get STUCK, my mind goes in circles, dealing with all of the guilt of my reckless life. I know my expectations of myself are high, I NEED to find a balance somewhere. The thing is I really like who I am, when I am allowed to just be ME. What drives ME crazy, is the feeling of being judged EVERYWHERE, I always somehow feel that I am not GOOD enough, LET IT GO, LET IT GO, JUST LET IT GO!! These issue are MINE, this I know, I know I NEED to CARE for myself. As I took a walk outside last night I grabbed a branch with little buds on it, I put it my little pink vase with a little water. This morning two of those little buds completely opened up, all they needed was little WATER and CARE. Amazing isn't it??
Monday, September 9, 2013
BEHAVIOR LESSONS
After yesterdays fiasco, I was so overwhelmed with confusion, I had no more words or thoughts, to be honest I was dumbfounded. I didn't know - I just didn't know, I still don't - but that's NOT the point.
After the screaming fit my child had out in public, I was in NO state of mind to help her, I simply couldn't I was stumped as she stood there and screamed at the top of her lungs, I think I secretly wish I could have done the same thing, but I am no longer that child anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't have these childish thoughts, because I do. I am learning to take hold of those thoughts by acknowledging them for WHAT they TRULY are so then the adult in me can rationalize that these childish behaviors will get us NOWHERE, and they ONLY hurt ME.
Now what also STUMPED me that evening was that once, I finally did make it over to the festival, after attempting to piece myself together, these women in my husbands lives actually acknowledged my existence. Now in my mind, I was told that they wanted NOTHING to do with me, therefore wasn't I was already DEAD to them?? I thought so, I was living with this notion for some time now, I had NEVER experienced family members shutting me OUT, so accepting this was difficult. I could cope with my mother in law shutting me out, we've had our differences before so I do know that she simply NEEDS time, on the other hand I guess I expected my sister-in-law to TALK to ME, put me in my place if need be, she had definitely put me in my place before, and I completely RESPECT her for that. My sisters would NOT blink an eye and would have come back at me if ever they needed to, now my sisters and I have it down to a science by now, we've learned to apologize to one another and we know that as woman how IMPORTANT these relationships are for support and nurturing. I can see NOW, that her not speaking to me was her way of saying GROW UP this behavior is simply NOT allowed here, I get it really I do (because she's right I do need to grow up) BUT again in my mind, it was presented to me as if she was DONE with me, words that are so FINAL - that's it DONE?? You are NEVER done with your sisters. What shattered ME on this one IS the a day before my sister in law shut ME out, she had an altercation with my mother, whatever was said between them is between them, I had defended my sister-in-law against my mother and was asking my mother to NOT hold that conversation against her in any way, I told my mother that whatever she did say, she was saying out of LOVE and CONCERN. I had faith in her because I know she has a GOOD heart. and because that's what sisters do, they look out for each other whenever they can. I was so deeply hurt that she did not allow me the opportunity to explain, repent or apologize. I know that I can look at this TWO WAYS, one - I know now where I stand in her world and may not overstep my boundaries OR two who knows maybe in the end this WILL strengthen our relationship, and believe it or not I usually do see the glass half full. This one WAS and IS a REALLY hard lesson to learn,
After the screaming fit my child had out in public, I was in NO state of mind to help her, I simply couldn't I was stumped as she stood there and screamed at the top of her lungs, I think I secretly wish I could have done the same thing, but I am no longer that child anymore. It doesn't mean that I don't have these childish thoughts, because I do. I am learning to take hold of those thoughts by acknowledging them for WHAT they TRULY are so then the adult in me can rationalize that these childish behaviors will get us NOWHERE, and they ONLY hurt ME.
Now what also STUMPED me that evening was that once, I finally did make it over to the festival, after attempting to piece myself together, these women in my husbands lives actually acknowledged my existence. Now in my mind, I was told that they wanted NOTHING to do with me, therefore wasn't I was already DEAD to them?? I thought so, I was living with this notion for some time now, I had NEVER experienced family members shutting me OUT, so accepting this was difficult. I could cope with my mother in law shutting me out, we've had our differences before so I do know that she simply NEEDS time, on the other hand I guess I expected my sister-in-law to TALK to ME, put me in my place if need be, she had definitely put me in my place before, and I completely RESPECT her for that. My sisters would NOT blink an eye and would have come back at me if ever they needed to, now my sisters and I have it down to a science by now, we've learned to apologize to one another and we know that as woman how IMPORTANT these relationships are for support and nurturing. I can see NOW, that her not speaking to me was her way of saying GROW UP this behavior is simply NOT allowed here, I get it really I do (because she's right I do need to grow up) BUT again in my mind, it was presented to me as if she was DONE with me, words that are so FINAL - that's it DONE?? You are NEVER done with your sisters. What shattered ME on this one IS the a day before my sister in law shut ME out, she had an altercation with my mother, whatever was said between them is between them, I had defended my sister-in-law against my mother and was asking my mother to NOT hold that conversation against her in any way, I told my mother that whatever she did say, she was saying out of LOVE and CONCERN. I had faith in her because I know she has a GOOD heart. and because that's what sisters do, they look out for each other whenever they can. I was so deeply hurt that she did not allow me the opportunity to explain, repent or apologize. I know that I can look at this TWO WAYS, one - I know now where I stand in her world and may not overstep my boundaries OR two who knows maybe in the end this WILL strengthen our relationship, and believe it or not I usually do see the glass half full. This one WAS and IS a REALLY hard lesson to learn,
Saturday, September 7, 2013
REJECTION - why do we CARE so much?
Remember when I said that I am the girl whose communication seems to get lost in translation, well once upon a time I goofed up and reacted and so the women in my husbands family want nothing to do with me, they have written me OUT. So now here I am faced with the difficult interaction because my children and husband are still very much part of their lives which I AM THANKFUL FOR - they love my kids, that's all that matters and they should be happy no matter what we are going through. They have suffered enough.
There is a festival tonight at our church and was organized by these women in my husbands life. I contemplated all morning if I was going to go or not since i know they want nothing to do with me. i decided to go and i figured I would go to mass first then maybe brave it out to show up, because i know the kids wanted me there and life is too short for these things to stop my happiness right. i took my daughter to mass and my husband went straight to the festival with our other two kids. After mass I was approaching the festival - I already have anxiety about this - and so as I am walking with my three year old daughter she runs and takes her shoes off ready to hop in the moon bounce (with no ticket of course) the person overseeing was stopping her from going in, after she already took her shoes off and had her little heart set to just jump to her hearts content, this devastated her. I don't think I have ever heard this child scream so loud, my heart ached for her, I grabbed her and ran out of there as fast as I could. Once we sat down in an area with less people she continued to scream, the screams of REJECTION, I had just witnessed my worst fear and even worse it was happening to my daughter, my heart was aching a PAIN so deep, it's like her screams were mine and I couldn't fix it for her!!
Self Worth - Sounds like a price tag??
The things I do know about ME, I AM SMART, analytical smart, I get things, I do have common sense, for the most part. If I don't know it, I WILL learn it, quickly. I have the desire to please people, I have the need to help whoever I can and teach anyone the things I do know, I like to help when I can. Given the opportunity I would DO almost ANYTHING for ANYONE, all you have to do is ask.
Where things get in the way, shyness and anxiety, this has plagued me for my entire life. So don't expect for me to feel so comfortable for me to force my way in to do the things that are considered sweet and considerate, my anxiety holds me back on that one quite often. Now I have come a LONG way and I have learned that you can NOT be shy in life or your will miss out on a whole LOT. I see my daughter doing this ALL the time and it hurts me because I don't want her to miss out on all the great things in LIFE and I just see her walking my footsteps all the time, I try to intercept that for her and explain that she can't let that stop her from what she wants. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even practice what I preach my shyness and anxiety are still very much a part of ME, I still need to warm up to people I don't know or simply people I am not comfortable around.
Now I am very much part of a culture that simply does NOT allow this behavior, its considered RUDE. So where does that leave me, years of feeling like I am less than PAR. We all have insecurities, but lately I'm not sure I can get out of this FUNK of not feeling like I just don't make the cut. What gets me is - WHAT CUT?? Who am I letting define these terms for me. My brain, says I always TRY to do what's right because I know that I have good intentions and if I follow my heart, I can't be wrong right. WRONG!! You see I am also plagued with the lovely emotion called ANGER, I try to attempt to suppress this ANGER as much as I can, I do remove myself from the situation, but that seems to make matters worse since its considered abandoning SHIP, and the person PROVOKING me, has learned exactly what to say to inflict those emotions tenfold then it EXPLODES in FULL CRAZY SPEED AHEAD, then I really become someone I don't know, I don't care for this person myself - it is then that I LOOSE myself, I m NOT PROUD of this behavior by any means, I should NOT be defined by these moments and I feel that I AM. Its gotten to the point that THIS SHYNESS, ANXIETY, and ANGER are completely taking over and I am now DEFINED as a person by these behaviors and so WHAT now this is ALL that's left of ME??? I'm not really sure what the REST of me is anymore, because this is ALL I can SEE.
In my heart of hearts, I know WHO I am, and I am pretty darn proud of who I am, when I'm not being invaded by something that's NOT truly ME.
Where things get in the way, shyness and anxiety, this has plagued me for my entire life. So don't expect for me to feel so comfortable for me to force my way in to do the things that are considered sweet and considerate, my anxiety holds me back on that one quite often. Now I have come a LONG way and I have learned that you can NOT be shy in life or your will miss out on a whole LOT. I see my daughter doing this ALL the time and it hurts me because I don't want her to miss out on all the great things in LIFE and I just see her walking my footsteps all the time, I try to intercept that for her and explain that she can't let that stop her from what she wants. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even practice what I preach my shyness and anxiety are still very much a part of ME, I still need to warm up to people I don't know or simply people I am not comfortable around.
Now I am very much part of a culture that simply does NOT allow this behavior, its considered RUDE. So where does that leave me, years of feeling like I am less than PAR. We all have insecurities, but lately I'm not sure I can get out of this FUNK of not feeling like I just don't make the cut. What gets me is - WHAT CUT?? Who am I letting define these terms for me. My brain, says I always TRY to do what's right because I know that I have good intentions and if I follow my heart, I can't be wrong right. WRONG!! You see I am also plagued with the lovely emotion called ANGER, I try to attempt to suppress this ANGER as much as I can, I do remove myself from the situation, but that seems to make matters worse since its considered abandoning SHIP, and the person PROVOKING me, has learned exactly what to say to inflict those emotions tenfold then it EXPLODES in FULL CRAZY SPEED AHEAD, then I really become someone I don't know, I don't care for this person myself - it is then that I LOOSE myself, I m NOT PROUD of this behavior by any means, I should NOT be defined by these moments and I feel that I AM. Its gotten to the point that THIS SHYNESS, ANXIETY, and ANGER are completely taking over and I am now DEFINED as a person by these behaviors and so WHAT now this is ALL that's left of ME??? I'm not really sure what the REST of me is anymore, because this is ALL I can SEE.
In my heart of hearts, I know WHO I am, and I am pretty darn proud of who I am, when I'm not being invaded by something that's NOT truly ME.
Friday, September 6, 2013
ALL of ME
This will be my seventh post so I will try to make it a GOOD one. Weird how sevens just keep coming up for me lately - I bought a bagel w/cream cheese and grabbed two dollars and change - it came out to $1.77 - the change in my hand was EXACTLY 77 cents - then later that day I went back to grab two hot pretzels, the cost came out to $2.77 - there was that 77 cents again in the same DAY!
As I listened to Evanescence "My Immortal", I felt the words that speak to my soul "These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real, There's just too much that time cannot erase" and so the tears began to stream down while washing the dishes. One day I shall write a memoir entitled "Dishes and Tears, My Life Epiphanies". I cannot tell you how many times these past two years that I have cried while washing dishes; meanwhile, my heart was waiting while I was washing those dishes, just waiting, waiting to be saved, saved from my thoughts, saved from myself, saved from all the angst I have in me. I've come to the conclusion that I will be waiting forever....
Once upon a time, there was a young twenty something year old girl, she met this boy, and my was he so suh weet, polite, and was the perfect gentleman. He seem to understand her, he seemed to be walking the same path as her, they seem to have so much in common.
There are some precious moments of my relationship with my husband that I hold to dear and close to my heart. Like the time we were just sitting in his red car listening to a CD that he made of all the alternative songs I LOVED, as Amber is the Color of your Energy played, we just sat there singing our hearts out, I felt like he just knew me, somehow, he already knew me - that moment I will remember for ever, I felt so connected and I can't even remember where we were parked or if we were coming or going whatever is was we were just enjoying each other's company Then there was the time we were smoking a cigarette in the window of his room, he was wearing his brown PJ pants, I remember his butt looking so HOT in any of his PJ pants. now smoking a cig out the window was an every night norm for us, but that night was night I FELL IN LOVE, it was that moment that I looked into his brown eyes and I remember telling him HOW SO INCREDIBLY IN LOVE I felt, and it was something I had NEVER experienced before, I was so elated and taken by this boy, he made me SO HAPPY, and even though I had NOT a DIME to my name or NO PLACE to LIVE or NO job or career and not much of an IDENTITY of my own, I didn't care, because I had my babe, and through all those HARD times in my life, HE DID HOLD my HAND and so nothing else really mattered as long as HE was there HOLDING my HAND, I though that we could survive ANYTHING.
I now wonder if I will ever feel that way again and unfortunately I know he feels the same way, over the years we have stomped and hurt each other so deeply - I think that this type of bliss and happiness is no longer written in the cards for us, not with each other anyway, it may just be too late, you just can't UNDO the past. It is what it is, nothing either of us can change. What HURTS is that you get MARRIED for FOREVER and you take these VOWS in the face of GOD, for sicker and poorer, and those words meant everything to ME, this is it, the REST of MY LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT?!? Well Now, I'm NOT so sure. I feel that I have lived my life pretty independently and nothing could stop me from doing what I really want and I consider myself a pretty courageous girl, now why is it that my strength and courage are NO WHERE to be found when it comes to HIM.
I know I have had some pretty intense moments and have said plenty that I am not proud of, these times are definitely NOT my finest moments, but in all this I guess what really strikes me and HITS HOME for me is that we have already lived through the POORER, we supported one another when it came to money, we did what we had to, collects pennies, pawn whatever we could to make ends meet and make sure we were OK still holding hands. BUT now, I've LOST my HUSBAND, the day we moved to Chicago and had our first fight here, I LOST him, it was that moment that HE CHANGED and suddenly I was NO ONE to HIM. No PEDESTAL for ME, maybe I NEVER really had a PEDESTAL to begin with. We never recovered from that fight, that first fight here after we had spent an overwhelming two weeks packing and making the move here in such a short time, we hadn't slept for days almost weeks at that point. Things will NEVER be the SAME, and then what KILLS ME is remember that CRAZY line that I ride, I know that I do, really, its something I need to work on for sure, BUT now that I am being more enlighten by it, there is NO WE anymore to support each other through this SICKNESS part. I'm beside myself that my partner for life is NOT here to walk beside me in this journey. We don't WALK together through ANYTHING, he can't see my point in ANYTHING, we barely AGREE on ANYTHING and he thinks that ALL I have are BAD intentions somehow, he just doesn't see ME anymore.
I know that LIFE is a revolving door and we should always be changing and growing, I just thought I'd always have someone to HOLD my hand and be by my side through that door. Now I do know that I am a LUCKY girl and as my aunt told me yesterday "honey you may be there alone, BUT you are NOT standing ALONE, we stand with you no matter WHAT - she gave me the reassurance I so LONGED to hear and I do know that I am blessed for it, BUT I'm suppose to BE MARRIED, I thought I already had someone here in my COURT, "through the fire, through whatever come what may", I just die a little more each DAY as I see my EMPTY COURT, even the VICINITY that surrounds that court has been cleared out!! OK laugh, that one was a joke, OH LORD, I know YOU are CARRYING ME, I know I must ALWAYS have FAITH and I do, it is just NOT EASY is ALL, I'm still waiting to see how my dots are going to connect on this ONE.
As I listened to Evanescence "My Immortal", I felt the words that speak to my soul "These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real, There's just too much that time cannot erase" and so the tears began to stream down while washing the dishes. One day I shall write a memoir entitled "Dishes and Tears, My Life Epiphanies". I cannot tell you how many times these past two years that I have cried while washing dishes; meanwhile, my heart was waiting while I was washing those dishes, just waiting, waiting to be saved, saved from my thoughts, saved from myself, saved from all the angst I have in me. I've come to the conclusion that I will be waiting forever....
Once upon a time, there was a young twenty something year old girl, she met this boy, and my was he so suh weet, polite, and was the perfect gentleman. He seem to understand her, he seemed to be walking the same path as her, they seem to have so much in common.
There are some precious moments of my relationship with my husband that I hold to dear and close to my heart. Like the time we were just sitting in his red car listening to a CD that he made of all the alternative songs I LOVED, as Amber is the Color of your Energy played, we just sat there singing our hearts out, I felt like he just knew me, somehow, he already knew me - that moment I will remember for ever, I felt so connected and I can't even remember where we were parked or if we were coming or going whatever is was we were just enjoying each other's company Then there was the time we were smoking a cigarette in the window of his room, he was wearing his brown PJ pants, I remember his butt looking so HOT in any of his PJ pants. now smoking a cig out the window was an every night norm for us, but that night was night I FELL IN LOVE, it was that moment that I looked into his brown eyes and I remember telling him HOW SO INCREDIBLY IN LOVE I felt, and it was something I had NEVER experienced before, I was so elated and taken by this boy, he made me SO HAPPY, and even though I had NOT a DIME to my name or NO PLACE to LIVE or NO job or career and not much of an IDENTITY of my own, I didn't care, because I had my babe, and through all those HARD times in my life, HE DID HOLD my HAND and so nothing else really mattered as long as HE was there HOLDING my HAND, I though that we could survive ANYTHING.
I now wonder if I will ever feel that way again and unfortunately I know he feels the same way, over the years we have stomped and hurt each other so deeply - I think that this type of bliss and happiness is no longer written in the cards for us, not with each other anyway, it may just be too late, you just can't UNDO the past. It is what it is, nothing either of us can change. What HURTS is that you get MARRIED for FOREVER and you take these VOWS in the face of GOD, for sicker and poorer, and those words meant everything to ME, this is it, the REST of MY LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT?!? Well Now, I'm NOT so sure. I feel that I have lived my life pretty independently and nothing could stop me from doing what I really want and I consider myself a pretty courageous girl, now why is it that my strength and courage are NO WHERE to be found when it comes to HIM.
I know I have had some pretty intense moments and have said plenty that I am not proud of, these times are definitely NOT my finest moments, but in all this I guess what really strikes me and HITS HOME for me is that we have already lived through the POORER, we supported one another when it came to money, we did what we had to, collects pennies, pawn whatever we could to make ends meet and make sure we were OK still holding hands. BUT now, I've LOST my HUSBAND, the day we moved to Chicago and had our first fight here, I LOST him, it was that moment that HE CHANGED and suddenly I was NO ONE to HIM. No PEDESTAL for ME, maybe I NEVER really had a PEDESTAL to begin with. We never recovered from that fight, that first fight here after we had spent an overwhelming two weeks packing and making the move here in such a short time, we hadn't slept for days almost weeks at that point. Things will NEVER be the SAME, and then what KILLS ME is remember that CRAZY line that I ride, I know that I do, really, its something I need to work on for sure, BUT now that I am being more enlighten by it, there is NO WE anymore to support each other through this SICKNESS part. I'm beside myself that my partner for life is NOT here to walk beside me in this journey. We don't WALK together through ANYTHING, he can't see my point in ANYTHING, we barely AGREE on ANYTHING and he thinks that ALL I have are BAD intentions somehow, he just doesn't see ME anymore.
I know that LIFE is a revolving door and we should always be changing and growing, I just thought I'd always have someone to HOLD my hand and be by my side through that door. Now I do know that I am a LUCKY girl and as my aunt told me yesterday "honey you may be there alone, BUT you are NOT standing ALONE, we stand with you no matter WHAT - she gave me the reassurance I so LONGED to hear and I do know that I am blessed for it, BUT I'm suppose to BE MARRIED, I thought I already had someone here in my COURT, "through the fire, through whatever come what may", I just die a little more each DAY as I see my EMPTY COURT, even the VICINITY that surrounds that court has been cleared out!! OK laugh, that one was a joke, OH LORD, I know YOU are CARRYING ME, I know I must ALWAYS have FAITH and I do, it is just NOT EASY is ALL, I'm still waiting to see how my dots are going to connect on this ONE.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Back to Negative Square ONE...Why LONG weekends are TOOOOO LONG!
Since I moved to Chicago, I don't recall one weekend of complete happiness and peace, of course other than that weekend my sister came to visit. Its just weekend after weekend of storms, These weekends are when it ALL just happens - whatever IT maybe. I know I have not written for a few days nor can I promise to write everyday, but I will keep you posted as much as I can. I want to, if for some reason I do not exist, and am no longer here to explain, I'd like to think that those who do care, can find some peace and maybe, just maybe understand a little more of the WHYs to ME.
It makes complete sense, people are busy, I am busy, life if busy, we have so MUCH going on, BUT when do we stop being so BUSY?? When do we make time for the people that matter most or the people that we just enjoy being around. We do not have a LOT of time on this earth really. Beside the little quality time I do spend with my kids, really I feel that most of my time is wasted. I struggle with how to stop wasting time...useless facebook posts of people thriving on the LOOK at my PERFECT LIFE, I swear that whole topic is a post within itself in which I will be glad to elaborate on, but for now this girl needs to stay on point. Time, its simply not enough, its way too short and yet we still waste our precious time because we are so pig headed, egotistical, and stubborn, WHY? Its get NOWHERE, absolutely NOWHERE, takes you back to negative square one.
I know I'm pretty intelligent girl, you don't have to tell me this, the PROBLEM, simple - FEELINGS - I have WAY too much of them, this I know, I can't even begin to explain what comes over me when I hear words that provoke and inflict the deepest FEELINGS, it's CRAZY I become, unreasonable, no doubt. I'm blessed and cursed at the same time. Let me explain, I somehow feel that the things that don't even happen to me ARE happening to ME, my hearts bleeds for every SAD story I hear for the PAIN of others. My first memory of this is when my parents were spanking my sister with a belt by the front door of our apartment, I almost think I was not afraid of getting hit myself by them, I cried for HER, I almost wished it were me getting hit and NOT her, then maybe I could bare it a little bit more. I can't even tell you how many nights I've spent crying in bed alone, crying for those who have lost babies, lost parents, lost jobs, have some illness - most of those people are not even related to me. Why I am this person?? Who knows, I believe it has something to do with SELF and otherness - or least that theory is on the table.
If my husband and I were actually engaged in this so-called marriage that we are in, we would have been celebrating our seven year anniversary this evening. That celebration went out the window when I did one thing, I asked him to give me ONE quality about me that was a reason he married me, I just asked for ONE reason why. He was dumbfounded, he could NOT think of ONE GOOD thing about ME, not ONE positive note on ME, that made me think, OH dear I married someone and I have NO CLUE why he married ME, what did he ever see in ME, how did I miss this?? HOW did I NOT SEE that he NEVER looked at me with pride, or ANYTHING that implied that I had some-kind of goodness in ME. I'm at a point that I desperately NEEED the PERSON that I married to VALIDATE ME as a PERSON, and HE sees ME as less than a PERSON, to him I am NO PERSON, there is NO ME. He doesn't ever take the time to get to know ME, to get to know the WHY of ME, he doesn't even CARE to, how could I have LET this happen?? HOW?? Why doesn't HE know ME?? WHY? I know in my heart of hearts that I am GOOD, and I know that it all gets mixed with the strength I need to have for SURVIVAL to overcome all of the obstacles that have been put forth in my life, but through that, how could he NOT see ME?
Now here's what makes me ANGRY, you get married, you have more children, you have tough times, you think this is just a phase of marriage, times heals, and this too shall pass, BUT it's been almost two years. time has NOT healed ANYTHING yet, things just GOT worse, tougher and DEEPER. You suddenly take LOVE for granted, somehow in a marriage LOVE is unconditional right - WRONG, love is CONDITIONAL and yes you really do have to WORK HARD at it - what makes me ANGRIER - I have spent countless hours REASEARCHING EVERYTHING under the SUN for a BETTER LIFE. Listen online talks, read marriage blogs on HIM, marriage blogs ON HER, how to talk to your spouse and when I attempt ANYTHING, its like I am speaking to 13 year old boy and EVERY time everything I just learned GOES out the WINDOW and I revert back to being a FIVE year old myself - why can't I engage in an intelligent conversation with this BOY, why can't he seem to express anything to me, I GET NOTHING from him, NOTHING and my goodness I know he's capable and what KILLS me is that he doesn't even try to communicate with me on an intelligent level - EVERY time we revert back to acting like CHILDREN. WHY can't I get him to understand that knowledge is power, COMMUNICATION IS KEY, WHY doesn't he even WANT to try to engage in a simple conversation with me and communicate the REAL issues with me...NOT sit there and argue WHY I did this or THAT, why doesn't he understand at this point the past is the past and it NOT going to get us ANYWHERE because its really neither here nor there and will never fix problems. BUT learning real communication WILL or at least its a start - I would do ALMOST ANYTHING for a spark of real communication with this PERSON that doesn't even know me because he doesn't talk to me.
I do not need to be convinced that I "deserve better", that's NOT it, my husband is GOOD person, this I know, he is a good father, I know he has feelings and does not know how to give in to them, I understand completely. He will do sweet things, he loves when the five of us are sitting around watching a movie and talking to the kids, or and enjoying some ridiculousness that the kids are engaging in, by no means is he evil (as he calls me). he just needs to grow up is all (well that what I think anyway), maybe understand that life with kids if its going to run smoothly consist of MORE communication about things, more rules in life, this reckless life that we both engage is just simply not going to cut it, it just doesn't WORK. We should have outgrown this a long time ago and yet here we are still struggling.
I do somehow know that its time to just LET GO, because I do deserve to SMILE ;)
It makes complete sense, people are busy, I am busy, life if busy, we have so MUCH going on, BUT when do we stop being so BUSY?? When do we make time for the people that matter most or the people that we just enjoy being around. We do not have a LOT of time on this earth really. Beside the little quality time I do spend with my kids, really I feel that most of my time is wasted. I struggle with how to stop wasting time...useless facebook posts of people thriving on the LOOK at my PERFECT LIFE, I swear that whole topic is a post within itself in which I will be glad to elaborate on, but for now this girl needs to stay on point. Time, its simply not enough, its way too short and yet we still waste our precious time because we are so pig headed, egotistical, and stubborn, WHY? Its get NOWHERE, absolutely NOWHERE, takes you back to negative square one.
I know I'm pretty intelligent girl, you don't have to tell me this, the PROBLEM, simple - FEELINGS - I have WAY too much of them, this I know, I can't even begin to explain what comes over me when I hear words that provoke and inflict the deepest FEELINGS, it's CRAZY I become, unreasonable, no doubt. I'm blessed and cursed at the same time. Let me explain, I somehow feel that the things that don't even happen to me ARE happening to ME, my hearts bleeds for every SAD story I hear for the PAIN of others. My first memory of this is when my parents were spanking my sister with a belt by the front door of our apartment, I almost think I was not afraid of getting hit myself by them, I cried for HER, I almost wished it were me getting hit and NOT her, then maybe I could bare it a little bit more. I can't even tell you how many nights I've spent crying in bed alone, crying for those who have lost babies, lost parents, lost jobs, have some illness - most of those people are not even related to me. Why I am this person?? Who knows, I believe it has something to do with SELF and otherness - or least that theory is on the table.
If my husband and I were actually engaged in this so-called marriage that we are in, we would have been celebrating our seven year anniversary this evening. That celebration went out the window when I did one thing, I asked him to give me ONE quality about me that was a reason he married me, I just asked for ONE reason why. He was dumbfounded, he could NOT think of ONE GOOD thing about ME, not ONE positive note on ME, that made me think, OH dear I married someone and I have NO CLUE why he married ME, what did he ever see in ME, how did I miss this?? HOW did I NOT SEE that he NEVER looked at me with pride, or ANYTHING that implied that I had some-kind of goodness in ME. I'm at a point that I desperately NEEED the PERSON that I married to VALIDATE ME as a PERSON, and HE sees ME as less than a PERSON, to him I am NO PERSON, there is NO ME. He doesn't ever take the time to get to know ME, to get to know the WHY of ME, he doesn't even CARE to, how could I have LET this happen?? HOW?? Why doesn't HE know ME?? WHY? I know in my heart of hearts that I am GOOD, and I know that it all gets mixed with the strength I need to have for SURVIVAL to overcome all of the obstacles that have been put forth in my life, but through that, how could he NOT see ME?
Now here's what makes me ANGRY, you get married, you have more children, you have tough times, you think this is just a phase of marriage, times heals, and this too shall pass, BUT it's been almost two years. time has NOT healed ANYTHING yet, things just GOT worse, tougher and DEEPER. You suddenly take LOVE for granted, somehow in a marriage LOVE is unconditional right - WRONG, love is CONDITIONAL and yes you really do have to WORK HARD at it - what makes me ANGRIER - I have spent countless hours REASEARCHING EVERYTHING under the SUN for a BETTER LIFE. Listen online talks, read marriage blogs on HIM, marriage blogs ON HER, how to talk to your spouse and when I attempt ANYTHING, its like I am speaking to 13 year old boy and EVERY time everything I just learned GOES out the WINDOW and I revert back to being a FIVE year old myself - why can't I engage in an intelligent conversation with this BOY, why can't he seem to express anything to me, I GET NOTHING from him, NOTHING and my goodness I know he's capable and what KILLS me is that he doesn't even try to communicate with me on an intelligent level - EVERY time we revert back to acting like CHILDREN. WHY can't I get him to understand that knowledge is power, COMMUNICATION IS KEY, WHY doesn't he even WANT to try to engage in a simple conversation with me and communicate the REAL issues with me...NOT sit there and argue WHY I did this or THAT, why doesn't he understand at this point the past is the past and it NOT going to get us ANYWHERE because its really neither here nor there and will never fix problems. BUT learning real communication WILL or at least its a start - I would do ALMOST ANYTHING for a spark of real communication with this PERSON that doesn't even know me because he doesn't talk to me.
I do not need to be convinced that I "deserve better", that's NOT it, my husband is GOOD person, this I know, he is a good father, I know he has feelings and does not know how to give in to them, I understand completely. He will do sweet things, he loves when the five of us are sitting around watching a movie and talking to the kids, or and enjoying some ridiculousness that the kids are engaging in, by no means is he evil (as he calls me). he just needs to grow up is all (well that what I think anyway), maybe understand that life with kids if its going to run smoothly consist of MORE communication about things, more rules in life, this reckless life that we both engage is just simply not going to cut it, it just doesn't WORK. We should have outgrown this a long time ago and yet here we are still struggling.
I do somehow know that its time to just LET GO, because I do deserve to SMILE ;)
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