Oh Silly ME

My Life ALWAYS has a crazy story! I'm totally exhausted right now but I thought I'd give you a lil ME to get you through the week.

Yesterday, I walked into work on a Monday morning greeted by my staff with flowers, birthday decor all over my office and all kinds of great food they brought in to celebrate ME for my 37th birthday.  It was awesome! I love my office family, it's been a long road for us as well (and will continue to be) but I'm so glad they have accepted me as their "boss" so to speak, for some more difficult than others as I consider myself amongst some of the younger management staff and am younger than half the staff I oversee. I could not have had a better day, they were showing me how much they do appreciate my presence there, my boss even referred to me as the "office guidance counselor". Imagine that crazy lil ME!?!? Well I had intended to go into the office early the next day to get started on a few projects to show how much I appreciate them, instead very SILLY  lil me was not thinking through the meds I took last night!  You see my back went out and I have been barely able to walk these past few days, along with the double ear infections I have.   I did not think twice before I downed the entire muscle relaxer (there must have been a reason they only prescribed me five pills) along with my amoxicillin and Benadryl - I didn't even think about how these downers would effect me!  Now, my circle of friends that know me well do you know that I have tried quite a few things myself, BUT these prescription narcotics were strange to me, I've always played around with uppers NOT downers. This made me think of the word "ADDICTION", this notion is going to be tricky for me to tackle and I will eventually disclose what I think on that matter, I just don't know if I'm ready to tackle my thoughts on that one head-on. For now I will once again try to stay on point (on a side note that A-D-D thing drives me CRAZY - my mind just shift so easily).  This downer was still in my system the morning AFTER, hours AFTER, when I was faced with having to go to work.  I awoke to screaming babies and craziness in the morning and it's like I wasn't really there it was surreal this really must be what feeling disassociated really feels like, kind of an out of body experience.  Somehow I managed to get my own clothes on, my husband pretty much got the kids out the door somehow and I DROVE to work. Oh what was I THINKING!  As I was driving I knew something was not right, I kept looking around me for cop or something, thinking they can stop me because I am in NO position to be driving right now.  As soon as I got to work, I parked my car and I thought I felt so WASTED right now, so I gave into it and closed my eyes, unbeknownest to me, I closed my eyes for FIVE HOURS!!!  Had I really just knocked out without telling anybody I was there?!?!?  OMG!!  I woke up to someone knocking on my window, car still on of course, how embarrassing!  I didn't know what to say or think!  How could anyone enjoy this feeling??  I don't like this!  I was still foggy, my ears still feeling so much pressure and pain, my back still hurting.  This was so NOT worth all of this drama?!?  After checking my phone, and looking at all the text messages and missed phones calls, I finally found the courage to walk into the office, at the END of the day.  I went to talk to my boss, I explained what had happened as she already knew that I was having issues.  It was like being in the principals office, she had called my husband looking for me, she said she thought I was in a ditch somewhere and was worried sick!  I was only gone for five hours.  I guess I'm so lucky that so MANY people CARE about ME, I am just shaking my head at myself on this one, don't BE so SILLY!  I still can't believe I let that happen, missing work over some narcotics, is SOOOOO NOT ME!

Fight or Flight

I suppose it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that is exactly how I've reacted to unpleasant altercations with my husband.  Once upon a time these altercations were physical and we are both responsible for those actions and I think we have learned that violence is never the answer. Until this very moment, I didn't realize that possibly my body and psyche have still been preparing for danger and I feel like I have no out, I cannot fight, we've seen what that does and nobody ever wins, I cannot leave, I've been accused of jumping ship too many times, so what am I left with?? I freeze, it is then that I begin to give up and turn on myself.  I'm just so tired of being blamed and feeling guilty. I've reached my end, I simply cannot keep going in circles. 

I do love my husband but I cannot take being blamed for having an emotion, I am who I am - my emotions are very much a part of me - I thought that if I am now completely honest with myself then I will find peace - I do not have the patience unfortunately :(  oh how I wish he would just say babe it's ok - Im Sorry - thats not what i meant- why won't he just give into me ONCE - even if it is whatever it is - every time I try to explain myself - why won't he just give in to me and let me have whatever emotion I'm having and move on - WHY can't he see I NEED this from him. Have I not given into him LORD? I'm trying I really am. I'm sorry I know I should not question it, just accept it.  As my father would say, I married him till death due us part, I believed in my vows so this is beyond difficult for me to just walk away. 

Oh faith where are you? You never fail me, I know I should think before I write - and maybe this is just one of those confused moments that I need to sleep off - there's no direction on this post - all I can do is try to let this GO. 

My husband would say this post is precisely the reason he is so frustrated with me, this part of me that keeps going - why can't he just write it off as me being passionate and call it a day - I can be that simple too ya know!  

Dear Lord, I do not have an answer, this one is in your hands. Thank you Lord for these wonderful children you have given me - I'm so proud to call them mine and thank you for amazing parents I have - I'd be beyond lost without them and sisters that I completely adore. I know my God is a Good God and I know that that my tunnel may be at one of its darkest points  but I do know that the sun will be here very soon, i feel it in my bones, and it will be the sunniest ray that I have ever seen! It is with you Lord that I find peace :) 

REAL MEN

As I watched my husband replacing the light bulbs on the headlights of our mini van, it dawned on me that he was just being a man, plain and simple, engaging in an act that fulfilled that manly role.  That got me thinking and once I realized this, it was like this realization had hit me like ton of bricks.  His needs, he wants to feel like a MAN, he craves to be KING of his castle, why did I think that he did not NEED this? why did I NOT realize how important this must be to him?? How could I have been so blind to this simple thought?  Well here I am begging and pleading to be treated and loved like a queen and meanwhile, I hadn't exactly given him that opportunity to be my KING.

Growing up I lived in a household with parents that were the epitome of those traditional "husband" and "wife" roles in my eyes. My father was MAN in every way, he served in two wars, he did whatever he had to do so he may provide for his family, even if that meant that he was barely home, he can FIX everything and anything in the house, CARS, he could probably build you one, he knows EVERYTHING.  When we were living in Park Slope Brooklyn when I was ten, I remember looking out the window of our brownstone apartment for when he would get home so I could report back to my mom, it would take him at least an hour to come upstairs, for everyone on our block knew my dad; and once a neighbor grabbed him as he got home he would not hesitate to fix something for them or do whatever they needed, they all loved him, I just rolled my eyes thinking HELLO, you have your own family here!!  Back then my father did not wash dishes, clean the house, cook, or do laundry as those duties belonged to my mother along with raising the children.  My mother served him every day, she always made his plate and brought him water whenever he asked, she did not complain of this EVER, she always said if he takes care of the things that needed to be fixed around the house, I will gladly serve him and be his wife.  This thought disgusted me for some reason, I don't even think my father changed any of our diapers, now that I think of it, I cannot confirm this, it is just what I always assumed.  I certainly had my differences with my father, I did not agree with how my parents took on these roles, in our modern day society, weren't men suppose to take on more of these duties that belonged to the woman, weren't they suppose to play a bigger part raising the children?  My little ignorant self has held him responsible for these notions, for what I thought I was missing, for not taking me fishing when I asked him to.  I held him responsible for our lack of communication, if I needed to talk, I would talk to my mother, she was and IS always there for whatever nurturing I need.  OH how wrong was I, I've been so WRONG about the men in my life, I have held anger in me for as long as I can remember that it has blinded all of the things I was given to me by the men in my life.

My dad is pretty great, not perfect, BUT, pretty darn awesome and amazing, he may not have given me what I had expected to receive from a father on my terms, but looking back he has given me more, and still continues to give, than any girl could ever hope for.  I could even remember as far back as when I was about three or four laying on my dads chest as he laid on the floor, my little body going up and down as he  would breath in and out, that was my favorite place to be, it was my mini roller coaster on his big belly.  He has always given me UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.  He taught me all kinds of things, ride a bike, fix a tire when I was twelve, drive a car, paint, rip up a carpet, put down a carpet, put shingles up on a roof, change the oil, make sure I understood whatever it was that he was fixing along with a full detailed tour of whatever car I had.  He bought me my first CAR.  Throughout my life whenever I needed him to lift me from myself, he did, he never let me down, he would hold me until the uncontrollable crying stopped until he knew that I would be OK.

I've pretty much been on my own since I was nineteen, when I decided to leave New York.  I know I'm a tough girl, I've had to be to survive all the tough times I've seen.  I am sorry to my family that it has taken me so long to let GO.  To my husband for not letting him be that MAN in my life, for I have been so busy thinking I didn't need it, I was wrong.  Today I am 37 years old and I feel like I am just beginning to understand.  Now, I know my path is meant for ME, had anything played out any differently, I would NOT have the three amazing children I have today, so for that I am eternally grateful and blessed.

Happy Birthday to ME!!

Life's Roller Coaster Rides

When I was young, I loved ROLLER COASTERS, that feeling in your tummy from that initial drop, then the intense energy of the bumpy ride that left you with a a rush of being totally elated and revved up for more. I felt free and adventurous.  Now as an adult, I crave stability, calm waters and peace. I am all too familiar with that PIT in my stomach, my feelings going up and down on this rocky road of life, the uncertainty no longer sits well with me, this roller coaster of life is just not what I had envisioned for myself, I thought by this time, I'd have it more together, NOT as lost as I have been.  Maybe I've been lost this whole time and it is now that I'm ready to face it.

This week has been one fierce roller coaster ride indeed, as a family we've had some of the best peaceful days we've ever had.  For the most part, we have all supported each other and did all that we had to do to get though our week.  Clean, cook, laundry, take care of the two babies, help with homework and tried to be nice to each other.  My oldest daughter (I'm so incredibly proud of this girl) even hugged me out of the blue and told me how much she loves me.  I know she has been taking in every moment of this awesomeness, and I hope that her life if filled with happiness, she deserves it.  She's only nine, yet she is beyond her years in maturity when it comes to matters of the heart.  She says things to me that are so intelligent and right on point that her wit strikes me, I was not expecting her to be so insightful.  She has been there for me like no one else ever could, I knew from the second she was born that I NEEDED her in my life, she was GOD's gift to me, and I am so incredibly grateful for her, she has saved me in so many ways.  Her and I have had our moments, she's always been daddy's little girl and there were a few years after her toddler years that we didn't show much affection for each other, somehow we didn't know how, I didn't know how.  I was too busy thinking she didn't love me, she probably wished she had a better mother, I wished I was a better mother for her, she deserves the best and I had been too hard on her.  She has grown so much and she may not be the most graceful girl, but the way she has handled herself throughout everything that we put her through these past few years, well I admire her strength and courage.  I'm so incredibly proud of this young girl, our relationship is getting better and better, I love that she talks to me, she tells me EVERYTHING, she is not afraid of the words people say to her when they have not been so nice,  I pray that she continues to trust in me and will always tell me everything, we need each other, that's clear to me now.    

This week has also brought some of my lowest moments of clarity in my marriage, I am coming to face the realities of our relationship, once I let go of the ANGER that I feel every time I am displeased by my life, I was able to focus and identify some of the real issues we face.  I know I must have patience and I should take in all this goodness and just BE right??  I should let go of my HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I should just accept my partner for who he is, perhaps we are making baby steps we have really been through so much and eventually we will get there right??  I'm not so sure, my heart wants immediate results, I still LONG to be LOVED by my husband.  I realized this week that I have been craving his attention.  Now its not like we don't spend time together, we spend countless hours together.  Why this isn't enough?  Out attention is NOT on each other, we are too busy with other things, texting other people, barely talking to each other.  I asked him if he read this blog, I was saddened when he said NO and that respects my personal space.  I just wished he was interested in ME, I wish he asked me how I'm doing, I wished he would just ask me if I was OK,  I know he's trying, I really do and if he didn't care he simply would not be doing everything he has been this week.  Why is this not enough for me?  I waiting for him to HOLD me EVERYDAY, I'm waiting for him to call me, talk to me, I'm waiting for him to WANT to be around ME, for now I will try my hardest to give this more time, but I'm not sure I can spend the rest of my life waiting for him.  I fantasize about him, about us, the relationship I wish we had.  Someday we will live the life we were destined to have, LOVING EACH OTHER, being there in the moment with each other, wanting more of each other, going to bed together at the same time.  I remember when he worked nights and I waited for him to get home to go to sleep, I hated going to bed without him being home, I miss those simpler days.  Perhaps someday we will learn to treat each other like the king and queen we deserve to be treated like, why should we settle for anything less.

I know I will find a time again to appreciate the roller coaster rides in life, who doesn't like adventure.  Lately these roller coasters have been too frequent and unsteady for me, but I continue to have FAITH, for I know that once I find the way to let go, my dreams will come true, its all in ME.

Sometimes all we NEED is a little water.

Lately, I feel that I have LEARNED so MUCH about MYSELF, I do hope the enlightenment will help US move ON and move FORWARD, I cannot HOLD on to the PAST, I MUST let things GO.  Once I dipped into this practice (oh and I really need more practice on it - trust me) I felt relieved.  On a side NOTE, I think I need to look into this meditation practice, its the calm I've been looking for once I understood a little more of this practice.  I have so much more to learn and I am eager to.  That thought just made me smile, gosh that feels good.

So a little of the communication that I longed for from my husband has suddenly begun to come along,  That is moving in the right direction.  I thought we needed counseling once upon a time, but what would we really accomplish there, BLAME??  We cannot blame each other any longer, it is the poison in our relationship, we have not been very nice to each other, we both had our armor up for so many years, so bringing it down has been challenging, we have been in survival mode for so long.  It really is just that simple treat each other with respect, just give it don't expect it, CARE for each other, nurture each other, AGAIN, BE NICE, be PRESENT, and have FAITH in each other.  Be mindful of these key ingredients.  

Last Night, I know I was for sure dealing with those moments within myself that I get STUCK, my mind goes in circles, dealing with all of the guilt of my reckless life.  I know my expectations of myself are high, I NEED to find a balance somewhere.  The thing is I really like who I am, when I am allowed to just be ME.  What drives ME crazy, is the feeling of being judged EVERYWHERE, I always somehow feel that I am not GOOD enough, LET IT GO, LET IT GO, JUST LET IT GO!!  These issue are MINE, this I know, I know I NEED to CARE for myself.  As I took a walk outside last night I grabbed a branch with little buds on it, I put it my little pink vase with a little water.  This morning two of those little buds completely opened up, all they needed was little WATER and CARE.  Amazing isn't it?? 

BEHAVIOR LESSONS

After yesterdays fiasco, I was so overwhelmed with confusion, I had no more words or thoughts, to be honest I was dumbfounded.  I didn't know - I just didn't know, I still don't - but that's NOT the point.

After the screaming fit my child had out in public, I was in NO state of mind to help her, I simply couldn't I was stumped as she stood there and screamed at the top of her lungs, I think I secretly wish I could have done the same thing, but I am no longer that child anymore.  It doesn't mean that I don't have these childish thoughts, because I do.  I am learning to take hold of those thoughts by acknowledging them for WHAT they TRULY are so then the adult in me can rationalize that these childish behaviors will get us NOWHERE, and they ONLY hurt ME.

Now what also STUMPED me that evening was that once, I finally did make it over to the festival, after attempting to piece myself together, these women in my husbands lives actually acknowledged my existence.  Now in my mind, I was told that they wanted NOTHING to do with me, therefore wasn't I was already DEAD to them??  I thought so, I was living with this notion for some time now, I had NEVER experienced family members shutting me OUT, so accepting this was difficult.  I could cope with my mother in law shutting me out, we've had our differences before so I do know that she simply NEEDS time, on the other hand I guess I expected my sister-in-law to TALK to ME, put me in my place if need be, she had definitely put me in my place before, and I completely RESPECT her for that.  My sisters would NOT blink an eye and would have come back at me if ever they needed to, now my sisters and I have it down to a science by now, we've learned to apologize to one another and we know that as woman how IMPORTANT these relationships are for support and nurturing.  I can see NOW, that her not speaking to me was her way of saying GROW UP this behavior is simply NOT allowed here, I get it really I do (because she's right I do need to grow up) BUT again in my mind, it was presented to me as if she was DONE with me, words that are so FINAL - that's it DONE??  You are NEVER done with your sisters.  What shattered ME on this one IS the a day before my sister in law shut ME out, she had an altercation with my mother, whatever was said between them is between them, I had defended my sister-in-law against my mother and was asking my mother to NOT hold that conversation against her in any way, I told my mother that whatever she did say, she was saying out of LOVE and CONCERN.  I had faith in her because I know she has a GOOD heart. and because that's what sisters do, they look out for each other whenever they can.  I was so deeply hurt that she did not allow me the opportunity to explain, repent or apologize.  I know that I can look at this TWO WAYS, one - I know now where I stand in her world and may not overstep my boundaries OR two who knows maybe in the end this WILL strengthen our relationship, and believe it or not I usually do see the glass half full.  This one WAS and IS a REALLY hard lesson to learn,

REJECTION - why do we CARE so much?

Remember when I said that I am the girl whose communication seems to get lost in translation, well once upon a time I goofed up and reacted and so the women in my husbands family want nothing to do with me, they have written me OUT.  So now here I am faced with the difficult interaction because my children and husband are still very much part of their lives which I AM THANKFUL FOR - they love my kids, that's all that matters and they should be happy no matter what we are going through. They have suffered enough.

There is a festival tonight at our church and was organized by these women in my husbands life.  I contemplated all morning if I was going to go or not since i know they want nothing to do with me.  i decided to go and i figured I would go to mass first then maybe brave it out to show up, because i know the kids wanted me there and life is too short for these things to stop my happiness right.  i took my daughter to mass and my husband went straight to the festival with our other two kids.  After mass I was approaching the festival - I already have anxiety about this -  and so as I am walking with my three year old daughter she runs and takes her shoes off ready to hop in the moon bounce (with no ticket of course) the person overseeing was stopping her from going in, after she already took her shoes off and had her little heart set to just jump to her hearts content, this devastated her. I don't think I have ever heard this child scream so loud, my heart ached for her, I grabbed her and ran out of there as fast as I could.  Once we sat down in an area with less people she continued to scream, the screams of REJECTION, I had just witnessed my worst fear and even worse it was happening to my daughter, my heart was aching a PAIN so deep, it's like  her screams were mine and I couldn't fix it for her!!