Life's Roller Coaster Rides

When I was young, I loved ROLLER COASTERS, that feeling in your tummy from that initial drop, then the intense energy of the bumpy ride that left you with a a rush of being totally elated and revved up for more. I felt free and adventurous.  Now as an adult, I crave stability, calm waters and peace. I am all too familiar with that PIT in my stomach, my feelings going up and down on this rocky road of life, the uncertainty no longer sits well with me, this roller coaster of life is just not what I had envisioned for myself, I thought by this time, I'd have it more together, NOT as lost as I have been.  Maybe I've been lost this whole time and it is now that I'm ready to face it.

This week has been one fierce roller coaster ride indeed, as a family we've had some of the best peaceful days we've ever had.  For the most part, we have all supported each other and did all that we had to do to get though our week.  Clean, cook, laundry, take care of the two babies, help with homework and tried to be nice to each other.  My oldest daughter (I'm so incredibly proud of this girl) even hugged me out of the blue and told me how much she loves me.  I know she has been taking in every moment of this awesomeness, and I hope that her life if filled with happiness, she deserves it.  She's only nine, yet she is beyond her years in maturity when it comes to matters of the heart.  She says things to me that are so intelligent and right on point that her wit strikes me, I was not expecting her to be so insightful.  She has been there for me like no one else ever could, I knew from the second she was born that I NEEDED her in my life, she was GOD's gift to me, and I am so incredibly grateful for her, she has saved me in so many ways.  Her and I have had our moments, she's always been daddy's little girl and there were a few years after her toddler years that we didn't show much affection for each other, somehow we didn't know how, I didn't know how.  I was too busy thinking she didn't love me, she probably wished she had a better mother, I wished I was a better mother for her, she deserves the best and I had been too hard on her.  She has grown so much and she may not be the most graceful girl, but the way she has handled herself throughout everything that we put her through these past few years, well I admire her strength and courage.  I'm so incredibly proud of this young girl, our relationship is getting better and better, I love that she talks to me, she tells me EVERYTHING, she is not afraid of the words people say to her when they have not been so nice,  I pray that she continues to trust in me and will always tell me everything, we need each other, that's clear to me now.    

This week has also brought some of my lowest moments of clarity in my marriage, I am coming to face the realities of our relationship, once I let go of the ANGER that I feel every time I am displeased by my life, I was able to focus and identify some of the real issues we face.  I know I must have patience and I should take in all this goodness and just BE right??  I should let go of my HIGH EXPECTATIONS, I should just accept my partner for who he is, perhaps we are making baby steps we have really been through so much and eventually we will get there right??  I'm not so sure, my heart wants immediate results, I still LONG to be LOVED by my husband.  I realized this week that I have been craving his attention.  Now its not like we don't spend time together, we spend countless hours together.  Why this isn't enough?  Out attention is NOT on each other, we are too busy with other things, texting other people, barely talking to each other.  I asked him if he read this blog, I was saddened when he said NO and that respects my personal space.  I just wished he was interested in ME, I wish he asked me how I'm doing, I wished he would just ask me if I was OK,  I know he's trying, I really do and if he didn't care he simply would not be doing everything he has been this week.  Why is this not enough for me?  I waiting for him to HOLD me EVERYDAY, I'm waiting for him to call me, talk to me, I'm waiting for him to WANT to be around ME, for now I will try my hardest to give this more time, but I'm not sure I can spend the rest of my life waiting for him.  I fantasize about him, about us, the relationship I wish we had.  Someday we will live the life we were destined to have, LOVING EACH OTHER, being there in the moment with each other, wanting more of each other, going to bed together at the same time.  I remember when he worked nights and I waited for him to get home to go to sleep, I hated going to bed without him being home, I miss those simpler days.  Perhaps someday we will learn to treat each other like the king and queen we deserve to be treated like, why should we settle for anything less.

I know I will find a time again to appreciate the roller coaster rides in life, who doesn't like adventure.  Lately these roller coasters have been too frequent and unsteady for me, but I continue to have FAITH, for I know that once I find the way to let go, my dreams will come true, its all in ME.