I remember days of being a party girl in my mid-twenties, I was sowing my WILD oats. I felt like there was a part of life that I had missed, those experimental college years. I've been part of the work force since I was 15, and I consider myself lucky for that, being given the opportunity to experience all the diversity New York has to offer in the working world. I spent a few summers working at NYC's beloved twin towers, I remember that feeling in my tummy every time I went up those elevators, excited and eager to be there. I'm so proud of those moments in my life, my agency liked me so much, they hired me to work for them permanently. At 19, Instead of going to college, I was already starting my career with a major regulatory agency, AND in a new town. I was living in the metro DC area and was being trained in the field by this agency. I did attempt to go to college, but I was stuck on some writing class and quite frankly I did not have the patience for. I was HUNGRY for the real WORLD, and it was right there at my fingertips, how could I not take advantage of that. Don't get me wrong, I do regret not seeing that class through, I could really reap from the benefits right now, BUT I am not going to let my technical inabilities stop me from doing what I NEED for myself to move forward, a little writing for my soul, the need to be heard somehow.
Everyone has a story, we are living stories right now, and this blog happens to be little bits of my story, the story I've always dreamed of writing, I do wish I had more time for more stories. I thought, once upon a time, that need to write my story was fulfilled by social media, a medium that worked for my needs and schedule. OH how wrong I was. To put it simply, I just don't know how to put on that happy smile and pretend that all is well in my life and only show my best foot so to speak. While I do have a best foot to show, the truth of the matter is that my life has been on the edge for some time now, which is something I don't want to ignore, it's something I want to talk about; without being judged for one sentence that has no chance of expressing the truth in its entirety. Somehow social media brought out the worst in me and gave me a medium to become more reckless because I can't lie. I wear my heart on my sleeve and given the opportunity, I will say what I see and believe. The problem is that social media does not know who I really am, social media does not know where my heart lives, social media makes the grass appear greener and leaves me feeling guilty for not living to those standards, social media is a misrepresentation of who your "friends" really are.
An anti social media friend of mine explained her thoughts through this story: She had just run into a old friend she hadn't seen in many years, in their five minute recap she had found out about a recent divorce of another friend she hadn't seen in many years AND the friend she was talking to didn't even know this recently divorced girl, but somehow through mutual friends of friends on social media, they knew all about her life - the moral of her story, is that had she herself been the recently divorced going though such things in life, why would she want to be the subject of such idol gossip along with negative notations of divorce to brand her life among people that are friend of friends and don't even know her. My friend telling the story then proceeded to say "If I want certain people in my life, I will let them in and bring them in my life myself, I don't need social networking for that, nor do I need people that don't even know me to know such intimate details of my life". The more I thought of that conversation, the more I understood how detrimental social media can be and how it can shed such a distorted view of one's life.
A few months ago, I gave up social media, I no longer write status updates, I suppose the world does not need to know how furious I am with the person that just cut me off, nor do they need to know where I am or what I am doing at the moment. I no longer read about people's perfect lives or whatever wonderfulness they want to boast about in a some news feed. I'd much rather hear such wonderful news through direct communication and share the joyfulness I feel for whatever greatness is going on OR feel the pain for whatever tribulations are surfacing. I no longer know when certain people are out and about and didn't invite me, I know that one may sound childish, but I no longer feel like I am not wanted. I now understand that if people want me in their lives, they know my number and where to find me, and I know theirs. I understand that real friendships should take work, otherwise we are all just acquaintances. I no longer need to know the intimate details of any of my acquaintances, that's their personal business and I respect that. Friendships should be personable and sincere, two major ingredients that seem to get lost in social media world. I now crave personal interaction and real conversations, but my journey finding these personal interactions and conversations has been just a bit lonely. My reality, is that I barely have close friends in this town, and yes distance with family and friends does play a huge role in losing our personal connections.
This is has been a LONG winter for me thus far lacking the communication and support I need as a person OR even just the communication to divert my attention or feel needed. Lucky for me, my three kids have been my light through the darkness these COLD days have brought. My nine year old daughter has been my rock and my BFF, BUT there is only so much I can share with her. Strange how my absence from social media has brought me a certain kind of peace, yet I am somehow still rattled within myself, I find myself in bind not knowing who I can be honest with and who I can actually talk to, even if it is idle conversation. As I read an article about isolation this morning, it was very clear to me the direction my life is heading, and so after staying away from any kind of media these last few months, I needed to write, about ANYTHING, to feel free to say what I want to say, to be heard.
On the brighter side, it is a New Year, a time for new beginnings, a time to recharge and try again. I look forward to more positive posts this coming spring, I look forward to light shining on my face, I look forward to all the personal connections I will have this year.
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