ALL of ME

This will be my seventh post so I will try to make it a GOOD one.  Weird how sevens just keep coming up for me lately - I bought a bagel w/cream cheese and grabbed two dollars and change - it came out to $1.77 - the change in my hand was EXACTLY 77 cents - then later that day I went back to grab two hot pretzels, the cost came out to $2.77 - there was that 77 cents again in the same DAY! 

As I listened to Evanescence  "My Immortal", I felt the words that speak to my soul "These wounds won't seem to heal, This pain is just too real, There's just too much that time cannot erase" and so the tears began to stream down while washing the dishes.  One day I shall write a memoir entitled "Dishes and Tears, My Life Epiphanies".  I cannot tell you how many times these past two years that I have cried while washing dishes; meanwhile, my heart was waiting while I was washing those dishes, just waiting, waiting to be saved, saved from my thoughts, saved from myself, saved from all the angst I have in me.  I've come to the conclusion that I will be waiting forever....

Once upon a time, there was a young twenty something year old girl, she met this boy, and my was he so suh weet, polite, and was the perfect gentleman.  He seem to understand her, he seemed to be walking the same path as her, they seem to have so much in common. 

There are some precious moments of my relationship with my husband that I hold to dear and close to my heart.  Like the time we were just sitting in his red car listening to a CD that he made of all the alternative songs I LOVED, as Amber is the Color of your Energy played, we just sat there singing our hearts out, I felt like he just knew me, somehow, he already knew me - that moment I will remember for ever, I felt so connected and I can't even remember where we were parked or if we were coming or going whatever is was we were just enjoying each other's company  Then there was the time we were smoking a cigarette in the window of his room, he was wearing his brown PJ pants, I remember his butt looking so HOT in any of his PJ pants. now smoking a cig out the window was an every night norm for us, but that night was night I FELL IN LOVE, it was that moment that I looked into his brown eyes and I remember telling him HOW SO INCREDIBLY IN LOVE I felt, and it was something I had NEVER experienced before, I was so elated and taken by this boy, he made me SO HAPPY, and even though I had NOT a DIME to my name or NO PLACE to LIVE or NO job or career and not much of an IDENTITY of my own, I didn't care, because I had my babe, and through all those HARD times in my life, HE DID HOLD my HAND and so nothing else really mattered as long as HE was there HOLDING my HAND, I though that we could survive ANYTHING. 

I now wonder if I will ever feel that way again and unfortunately I know he feels the same way, over the years we have stomped and hurt each other so deeply - I think that this type of bliss and happiness is no longer written in the cards for us, not with each other anyway, it may just be too late, you just can't UNDO the past.  It is what it is, nothing either of us can change. What HURTS is that you get MARRIED for FOREVER and you take these VOWS in the face of GOD, for sicker and poorer, and those words meant everything to ME, this is it, the REST of MY LIFE, NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT?!?  Well Now, I'm NOT so sure.  I feel that I have lived my life pretty independently and nothing could stop me from doing what I really want and I consider myself a pretty courageous girl, now why is it that my strength and courage are NO WHERE to be found when it comes to HIM. 

I know I have had some pretty intense moments and have said plenty that I am not proud of, these times are definitely NOT my finest moments, but in all this I guess what really strikes me and HITS HOME for me is that we have already lived through the POORER, we supported one another when it came to money, we did what we had to, collects pennies, pawn whatever we could to make ends meet and make sure we were OK still holding hands.  BUT now, I've LOST my HUSBAND, the day we moved to Chicago and had our first fight here, I LOST him, it was that moment that HE CHANGED and suddenly I was NO ONE to HIM.  No PEDESTAL for ME, maybe I NEVER really had a PEDESTAL to begin with.  We never recovered from that fight, that first fight here after we had spent an overwhelming two weeks packing and making the move here in such a short time, we hadn't slept for days almost weeks at that point.  Things will NEVER be the SAME, and then what KILLS ME is remember that CRAZY line that I ride, I know that I do, really, its something I need to work on for sure, BUT now that I am being more enlighten by it, there is NO WE anymore to support each other through this SICKNESS part.  I'm beside myself that my partner for life is NOT here to walk beside me in this journey.  We don't WALK together through ANYTHING, he can't see my point in ANYTHING, we barely AGREE on ANYTHING and he thinks that ALL I have are BAD intentions somehow, he just doesn't see ME anymore. 

I know that LIFE is a revolving door and we should always be changing and growing, I just thought I'd always have someone to HOLD my hand and be by my side through that door.  Now I do know that I am a LUCKY girl and as my aunt told me yesterday "honey you may be there alone, BUT you are NOT standing ALONE, we stand with you no matter WHAT - she gave me the reassurance I so LONGED to hear and I do know that I am blessed for it, BUT I'm suppose to BE MARRIED, I thought I already had someone here in my COURT, "through the fire, through whatever come what may", I just die a little more each DAY as I see my EMPTY COURT, even the VICINITY that surrounds that court has been cleared out!!  OK laugh, that one was a joke, OH LORD, I know YOU are CARRYING ME, I know I must ALWAYS have FAITH and I do, it is just NOT EASY is ALL, I'm still waiting to see how my dots are going to connect on this ONE.