The things I do know about ME, I AM SMART, analytical smart, I get things, I do have common sense, for the most part. If I don't know it, I WILL learn it, quickly. I have the desire to please people, I have the need to help whoever I can and teach anyone the things I do know, I like to help when I can. Given the opportunity I would DO almost ANYTHING for ANYONE, all you have to do is ask.
Where things get in the way, shyness and anxiety, this has plagued me for my entire life. So don't expect for me to feel so comfortable for me to force my way in to do the things that are considered sweet and considerate, my anxiety holds me back on that one quite often. Now I have come a LONG way and I have learned that you can NOT be shy in life or your will miss out on a whole LOT. I see my daughter doing this ALL the time and it hurts me because I don't want her to miss out on all the great things in LIFE and I just see her walking my footsteps all the time, I try to intercept that for her and explain that she can't let that stop her from what she wants. I'm such a hypocrite, I can't even practice what I preach my shyness and anxiety are still very much a part of ME, I still need to warm up to people I don't know or simply people I am not comfortable around.
Now I am very much part of a culture that simply does NOT allow this behavior, its considered RUDE. So where does that leave me, years of feeling like I am less than PAR. We all have insecurities, but lately I'm not sure I can get out of this FUNK of not feeling like I just don't make the cut. What gets me is - WHAT CUT?? Who am I letting define these terms for me. My brain, says I always TRY to do what's right because I know that I have good intentions and if I follow my heart, I can't be wrong right. WRONG!! You see I am also plagued with the lovely emotion called ANGER, I try to attempt to suppress this ANGER as much as I can, I do remove myself from the situation, but that seems to make matters worse since its considered abandoning SHIP, and the person PROVOKING me, has learned exactly what to say to inflict those emotions tenfold then it EXPLODES in FULL CRAZY SPEED AHEAD, then I really become someone I don't know, I don't care for this person myself - it is then that I LOOSE myself, I m NOT PROUD of this behavior by any means, I should NOT be defined by these moments and I feel that I AM. Its gotten to the point that THIS SHYNESS, ANXIETY, and ANGER are completely taking over and I am now DEFINED as a person by these behaviors and so WHAT now this is ALL that's left of ME??? I'm not really sure what the REST of me is anymore, because this is ALL I can SEE.
In my heart of hearts, I know WHO I am, and I am pretty darn proud of who I am, when I'm not being invaded by something that's NOT truly ME.
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