Fight or Flight

I suppose it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that is exactly how I've reacted to unpleasant altercations with my husband.  Once upon a time these altercations were physical and we are both responsible for those actions and I think we have learned that violence is never the answer. Until this very moment, I didn't realize that possibly my body and psyche have still been preparing for danger and I feel like I have no out, I cannot fight, we've seen what that does and nobody ever wins, I cannot leave, I've been accused of jumping ship too many times, so what am I left with?? I freeze, it is then that I begin to give up and turn on myself.  I'm just so tired of being blamed and feeling guilty. I've reached my end, I simply cannot keep going in circles. 

I do love my husband but I cannot take being blamed for having an emotion, I am who I am - my emotions are very much a part of me - I thought that if I am now completely honest with myself then I will find peace - I do not have the patience unfortunately :(  oh how I wish he would just say babe it's ok - Im Sorry - thats not what i meant- why won't he just give into me ONCE - even if it is whatever it is - every time I try to explain myself - why won't he just give in to me and let me have whatever emotion I'm having and move on - WHY can't he see I NEED this from him. Have I not given into him LORD? I'm trying I really am. I'm sorry I know I should not question it, just accept it.  As my father would say, I married him till death due us part, I believed in my vows so this is beyond difficult for me to just walk away. 

Oh faith where are you? You never fail me, I know I should think before I write - and maybe this is just one of those confused moments that I need to sleep off - there's no direction on this post - all I can do is try to let this GO. 

My husband would say this post is precisely the reason he is so frustrated with me, this part of me that keeps going - why can't he just write it off as me being passionate and call it a day - I can be that simple too ya know!  

Dear Lord, I do not have an answer, this one is in your hands. Thank you Lord for these wonderful children you have given me - I'm so proud to call them mine and thank you for amazing parents I have - I'd be beyond lost without them and sisters that I completely adore. I know my God is a Good God and I know that that my tunnel may be at one of its darkest points  but I do know that the sun will be here very soon, i feel it in my bones, and it will be the sunniest ray that I have ever seen! It is with you Lord that I find peace :)