Since I moved to Chicago, I don't recall one weekend of complete happiness and peace, of course other than that weekend my sister came to visit. Its just weekend after weekend of storms, These weekends are when it ALL just happens - whatever IT maybe. I know I have not written for a few days nor can I promise to write everyday, but I will keep you posted as much as I can. I want to, if for some reason I do not exist, and am no longer here to explain, I'd like to think that those who do care, can find some peace and maybe, just maybe understand a little more of the WHYs to ME.
It makes complete sense, people are busy, I am busy, life if busy, we have so MUCH going on, BUT when do we stop being so BUSY?? When do we make time for the people that matter most or the people that we just enjoy being around. We do not have a LOT of time on this earth really. Beside the little quality time I do spend with my kids, really I feel that most of my time is wasted. I struggle with how to stop wasting time...useless facebook posts of people thriving on the LOOK at my PERFECT LIFE, I swear that whole topic is a post within itself in which I will be glad to elaborate on, but for now this girl needs to stay on point. Time, its simply not enough, its way too short and yet we still waste our precious time because we are so pig headed, egotistical, and stubborn, WHY? Its get NOWHERE, absolutely NOWHERE, takes you back to negative square one.
I know I'm pretty intelligent girl, you don't have to tell me this, the PROBLEM, simple - FEELINGS - I have WAY too much of them, this I know, I can't even begin to explain what comes over me when I hear words that provoke and inflict the deepest FEELINGS, it's CRAZY I become, unreasonable, no doubt. I'm blessed and cursed at the same time. Let me explain, I somehow feel that the things that don't even happen to me ARE happening to ME, my hearts bleeds for every SAD story I hear for the PAIN of others. My first memory of this is when my parents were spanking my sister with a belt by the front door of our apartment, I almost think I was not afraid of getting hit myself by them, I cried for HER, I almost wished it were me getting hit and NOT her, then maybe I could bare it a little bit more. I can't even tell you how many nights I've spent crying in bed alone, crying for those who have lost babies, lost parents, lost jobs, have some illness - most of those people are not even related to me. Why I am this person?? Who knows, I believe it has something to do with SELF and otherness - or least that theory is on the table.
If my husband and I were actually engaged in this so-called marriage that we are in, we would have been celebrating our seven year anniversary this evening. That celebration went out the window when I did one thing, I asked him to give me ONE quality about me that was a reason he married me, I just asked for ONE reason why. He was dumbfounded, he could NOT think of ONE GOOD thing about ME, not ONE positive note on ME, that made me think, OH dear I married someone and I have NO CLUE why he married ME, what did he ever see in ME, how did I miss this?? HOW did I NOT SEE that he NEVER looked at me with pride, or ANYTHING that implied that I had some-kind of goodness in ME. I'm at a point that I desperately NEEED the PERSON that I married to VALIDATE ME as a PERSON, and HE sees ME as less than a PERSON, to him I am NO PERSON, there is NO ME. He doesn't ever take the time to get to know ME, to get to know the WHY of ME, he doesn't even CARE to, how could I have LET this happen?? HOW?? Why doesn't HE know ME?? WHY? I know in my heart of hearts that I am GOOD, and I know that it all gets mixed with the strength I need to have for SURVIVAL to overcome all of the obstacles that have been put forth in my life, but through that, how could he NOT see ME?
Now here's what makes me ANGRY, you get married, you have more children, you have tough times, you think this is just a phase of marriage, times heals, and this too shall pass, BUT it's been almost two years. time has NOT healed ANYTHING yet, things just GOT worse, tougher and DEEPER. You suddenly take LOVE for granted, somehow in a marriage LOVE is unconditional right - WRONG, love is CONDITIONAL and yes you really do have to WORK HARD at it - what makes me ANGRIER - I have spent countless hours REASEARCHING EVERYTHING under the SUN for a BETTER LIFE. Listen online talks, read marriage blogs on HIM, marriage blogs ON HER, how to talk to your spouse and when I attempt ANYTHING, its like I am speaking to 13 year old boy and EVERY time everything I just learned GOES out the WINDOW and I revert back to being a FIVE year old myself - why can't I engage in an intelligent conversation with this BOY, why can't he seem to express anything to me, I GET NOTHING from him, NOTHING and my goodness I know he's capable and what KILLS me is that he doesn't even try to communicate with me on an intelligent level - EVERY time we revert back to acting like CHILDREN. WHY can't I get him to understand that knowledge is power, COMMUNICATION IS KEY, WHY doesn't he even WANT to try to engage in a simple conversation with me and communicate the REAL issues with me...NOT sit there and argue WHY I did this or THAT, why doesn't he understand at this point the past is the past and it NOT going to get us ANYWHERE because its really neither here nor there and will never fix problems. BUT learning real communication WILL or at least its a start - I would do ALMOST ANYTHING for a spark of real communication with this PERSON that doesn't even know me because he doesn't talk to me.
I do not need to be convinced that I "deserve better", that's NOT it, my husband is GOOD person, this I know, he is a good father, I know he has feelings and does not know how to give in to them, I understand completely. He will do sweet things, he loves when the five of us are sitting around watching a movie and talking to the kids, or and enjoying some ridiculousness that the kids are engaging in, by no means is he evil (as he calls me). he just needs to grow up is all (well that what I think anyway), maybe understand that life with kids if its going to run smoothly consist of MORE communication about things, more rules in life, this reckless life that we both engage is just simply not going to cut it, it just doesn't WORK. We should have outgrown this a long time ago and yet here we are still struggling.
I do somehow know that its time to just LET GO, because I do deserve to SMILE ;)
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